I've been debating............ for several years?

The capacity for misunderstanding of sexuality and branding are fascinating, here. One sexual incident, however torrid, does not make a man "gay for life". LW is deriving a whole hidden lifestyle from one one-night-stand. If the letter is correct, LW has no knowledge as to whether the pattern of sex with men (outside his fantasy life) has continued post-marriage. If the man were completely gay, then emergence of their child must have been the result of some complicated medical gymnastics....

In being out of touch for years, LW has no way of knowing whether his former friend has spoken with his wife about that single incident or a chain of incidents, if such a chain exists.

I would guess LW's friend falls into the 80% of men who are neither completely hetero nor completely gay (shocking, isn't it?). He may have had a brief one-night stand to "see what it was about" and confirmed his interest in his wife-to-be. Rotten way to do it, particularly given his fiancee's commentary, but probably better before his marriage than after. He wouldn't be the first stupid person to engage in a wildly inappropriate sexual activity in response to the promise of eternal monogamy...... He may be a closet bi, able to enjoy some level of intimacy with his wife (there is the kid, after all) and deeply captivated by a parallel focus on men. If this is the case, he may be 'acting out'safely or unsafely, or he may have come to terms with expressing just one part of the breadth of his sexuality. If he is acting out secretly or otherwise, I am sure he lives a life of deep conflict and that is sad for all and promises great potential strife. Conversely, this man may well have come to terms, on some level, with his feelings of sexual interest towards other men, either by himself or in dialogue with his wife..... And, in all of this, he may have a deeply open relationship with his wife, or they may never talk about sexual expression. So - those are the variables....and this former "friend' is going to second-guess what the "deal is" and step into a marriage that he knows nothing about just to "save the wife"? How utterly arrogant and self-focused.

And then - there's the termination of friendship. Maybe his wife poisened the relationship..... maybe the minor flaws in their friendship were actually major....and LW's friend woke up and decided to end it because the friendship wasn't worth it. And maybe this guy's essential snippyness betrayed itself over years, and the relationship toppled from the weight of that.

The time to have intervened would have been prior to the marriage, at which point "true friendship", if that is what they had, would have resulted in a heart/heart discussion and a discussion of STD's and promiscuous behavior. Having it now - even wanting to have it now - is just a bit bizarre.