My wife, from one of her former state's most blueblooded families, made a (brief) living as a cage dancer at a notorious and exceptionally well-known club in the late '60's. She did not tell her family, nor did they ever find out. It was a circumstance of earning money with the least amount of frustration attached, at least for a time.

Did it co-opt her subsequent success as the first female vice president in the largest privately held corporation in the city where we now live? I somehow don't think so. She did run into someone who did, twenty years later, recognize her - and, as it turned out, he was more embarassed about her knowing that he was there than the reverse. The circumstance never went outside the conference room door; the man was married, then and later......

Did it challenge on some feminist basis, my wife's sense of self? She would answer tht better than me, but frankly, I believe, given the circumstances, she viewed it as a moment of both humor and necessity and treated it as such. A place to visit, not to live in. Did it challenge her sense of feminist empowerment? No, striving to break through glass ceiling after glass ceiling in her old corporation did, however.......even though she ultimately did a formidable job of breaking down steriotypes about women in the marketplace in the '80's.

Do I think differently of my wife because she was a dancer? Do I get some salacious vicarious pleasure out of knowing that my wife was a talented and headlined dancer at that club? Honestly, I don't think so.

Prior to meeting my wife, I dated a lovely and ravishingly beautiful woman who paid her way through a master's at a Seven Sister's school by working as a cocktail waitress. The hours were long, the clients vile, and the tips enormous. For her, it was expedient and efficient. One horrific night a week supported her modest lifestyle for the rest of the week, frankly.

The issue of maintaining self-respect and personal boundaries is, from what I understand, a challenge. And for that, you need to look at your core beliefs and see if it violates those. Then, as you dance, you need to be aware of maintaining those boundaries.. If you don't lap dance, then don't. As for"getting caught", I note that you will feel as trapped as you allow yourself to feel, and to some extent, the individual who "sees" you has as much explaining to do as you do, even in a purient social setting. that said, adhering to some basic safety rules - dance as far away from home base as possible, use an assumed name and wear a wig... as some others have sugegsted... makes sense.

What saddens me is that in a sexist society, men pick up college money by "doing construction or, more dramatically, working on an isolated oil rig for a time or three". Women do it by waitressing, dancing or stripping.

Thoght LW's restrained response to her family's "helpful clearing of the air" was right on target. The challenge is in letting go of the sequalae of feelings that revolve around wishing that one had been far, far more direct.

The real issue to look at is what LW wants to hold on to. LW has already chosen to carve out a life in another country so the day/day context of familial relationships is not possible. Hard to imagine that it would re-assert itself in a magical three week visit with ailing parents and sibs whose personalities have not mellowed over time.

In addition to staying someplace other than LW's parents, I would suggest that LW and her family stay elsewhere completely - with NO affiliation with any family member. Then, plan an agenda of visitiation that involves a mix... given that this is a "major European capital" there are undoubtedly things that may be of real interest to the older child, activities that can form a memorable circumstance for him. Balance family time with other acitivites.....

As for those family steriotypes, they die hard, and they frequently are self-serving in terms of certain family dynamics and dysfunctions. It may be easier for LW's family to see her as a 'flake', which is not the image that comes to mind when I think of someone creating an acculturated life in a new country. Rather, I think of resiliance, curiosity and a certain amount of risk-taking, all behavioral traits that may be risky for LW's family of origin to acknowledge, as by doing so, they validate her decision to leave the family setting/nest, even the family's country of origin.

Perhaps, somewhere in here, it would be appropriate for the witty but overbearing sister and the witty but overbearing brother to visit in this country - staying in a hotel, apartment, whatever.. and began to see LW in her new context. It might even change their view of LW's spouse.