1) Do men who love and respect their wives actually say "I could kill you" in the heat of an argument and not mean it?

No. Absolutely not. Not even in the heat of intense arguement. Given the context of physical violence, in which LW's husband had the discretion to move towards lesser objects to be violent with, he has some discretionary control. But - not a lot. he needs other ways of expressing anger than threatening his wife's life. his rationalizations post-vent are a cheap rhetorical ploy, and should be viewed as a defensive rationale, not part of a real and genuine discussion.

2) Is this what "for better or for worse" means?

No. Better or worse does not include embracing the prospect of homicide or even lesser forms of physical violence. I note that his response suggests a hostile and defensive approach towards conflict resolution, and that doesn't give LW much of a platform with which to work. .

3) Should I remove my name from the business as partner in order to protect my reputation?

The more subtle question is whether to extricate yourself from the legal morass that the restaurant now represents. I would suggest that you do, for several reasons and I would do so with considerable self-care (meaning an attorney as a coach). you need to know what your current culpability is, you need to know how to limit or eliminate it, and you need to know how to move forward with contained liability. Create your plan for extrication with care and extreme privacy. Knowledge of your efforts to eliminate your personal risk are not likely to create a more calm environment for personal conflict resoltion with this husband, to say the least...........

4) If I am unhappy, should I leave for reasons of self-preservation? Or is it selfish and unfair not to stick around until the last pitch has been thrown?

You are unhappy because you see an utterly bleak fiscal desert ahead of you, because your husband is throwing chairs and depricating your input, and because you don't see a future that involves quality time with someone that you actually must have been quite fond of at some time. I would suggest that, given his violent streak (many men can endure extreme personal and professional tension without EVER throwing a chair and becoming verbally abusive, I note), that the situation is not likely to be better. And, the subtext of the issue is that you no longer believe the dream, and he does, even in the face of certain data that suggests that he is, to put it crudely, pissing in the wind........ I would plan an exit strategy.

Planning an exit strategy from a man with the level of self-abosorbtion and violence as LW's spouse presents represents its own challenge. I note that the level of violence in violent relationships escalates when the focus of violence threatens to leave.... so the exit plan needs to be comprehensive, complete and developed in private, then implemented with the speed and effecacy of a Panzer division moving across northern France......And to that end, working with a counselor or therapist who has specific skills in this area will be of enormous help. That counselor needs to be one of several professionals that LW should enlist. If there is not money for private consultation, there are, in many states, public venues for securing legal advice and personal advice. LW should tap them.

Personally, I don't see the actions of leaving to be selfish and unfair. I see it as an act of profound and basic self-care. As for the first husband, I note that no one "drives" someone else to drink and decompensation; those competencies are well in place. If she now feels guilty about her rationale for leaving him, that is an issue to be sorted out with a therapist or a support group of some sort, and I might, as a starter, suggest Codependents Anonymous. LW may have a slight pattern of bonding with dysfunctional men.... that should be teased out.

My wife created her own exit plan, leaving her first husband with nothing but a suitcase and her kid, moving into a furnished flat that was secured in a highrise building with a doorman and a security guard well in place.... She had a job with an emerging identity and a decent income, and moved forward without compromise. Was it difficult? From what I was able to tell, it was profoundly difficult. Healing took years, as she processed why she chose an abusive man to be her lifemate, then dealt with her guilt in abandoning him. (he, too, radically decompensated.....). However, the end game is that she developed a safe and healthy platform for her son and herself. They both grew to thrive, to have rich and happy lives...... so I know it to be possible. I was pleased to be of support, as best I could, from time to time, for them both as they sought clarity and comfort.

I left a partnership of 14 years after discovering "irregularities" in the fiscal management of some of firm's key assets..... Since I was utterly unable to effect change, I got out. It took a chunk of very skilled legal coaching, but I am out, without liability, and am now safe - and watching my former firm crumble, loosing employees at the drop ofa headhunter's business card.... And the path of my exit may have created a platform for IRS audits that may cause the house of cards to crumble. Profoundly sad to watch good men do bad things - but I will do so from a distance.......Sometimes ethics are surprisingly compelling as a motivation for change.