Kudos to LW for creating an adult life that has all of the makings of a rich and fulfilling circumstance. Loving husband, rewarding career ....

Children believe they are the center of the universe, because they do not differentiate or sustain objective perspective, which comes with adolescence and adulthood. When a child is traumatized, that magical thinking can be twisted into assuming a massive responsibility for the abuse, or assuming that the abuse is somehow deserved..... When that trauma persists without enlightened resolution in the moment, the child can grow up with a dual understanding - an adult understanding based on resilience, self awareness and fortitude and a childlike belief that somehow, Mommy and Daddy can be brought around, that somehow it is one's fault that they were the way they were.....these many myths of childhood can exist, quite fully, even when those myths conflict.... that is the way of a child, after all.

So, it is thus that LW can develop a mature and adult life with resonance and emotional health while part of her remains stuck or frozen, with those child-beliefs so thorough ally inculcated by her adoptive parents. Since the parents are truly incapable of being parents, as has been so amply demonstrated, LW needs to parent herself - "reparent" in some therapist's language, but given that there was precious little to begin with, parenting is what it is. LW has the emotional leverage and resonance for the task or else she would be married thrice to emotionally abusive men while making a living (perhaps) at marginalized jobs.

There are ways of doing that, but therapy with a skilled trauma therapist will provide the best coaching. And I echo one writer's reference to EMDR, a powerful tool for processing deep emotion with some efficiency and clarity.

My parents, educated and at times, wealthy, were also drunks and sexually abusive - to each other, to my brother and me, and to pretty much anyone in their pathway. Lacking resiliance, they could not break the patterns established in their youths.....and intergenerational abuse continued. My brother did not break away, and after decades of addiction, along with emotionally, physically and sexually abusing his children, ended his life by his own choice before cirrhosis became terminal . I moved far away, married a loving woman, developed a rewarding career and then found it necessary to explore, process and then discard these child-myths of my family of origin. That involved processing anger, real anger at their obtuse and frequently dangerous behavior, grief over my loss of a joyful childhood.... and in the process of doing so, began to see my sense of self worth begin to match the perceptions of the world around me - the perceptions of my wife, my coworkers.......I actually began to like myself, to respect my talents, accept with compassion my limitations, and focus on my ability to continue to heal.

By now, I have considerable compassion for these sad, confused and profoundly disturbed people that comprised my family of origin. I note that compassion is different from "forgiveness", which I leave to a more theologic basis or for those engaged in the more pat forms of self-help... Frequently rapid forgiveness is a "flight to health" in an effort to avoid processing those profound feelings.

And, in feeling compassion, I can also more compassionately see what they did give to me, which included a decent gene-pool and my first of four degrees. A few other happy moments that I treasure, rather like a boy treasures smooth river rocks.....And I do so knowing that the good does NOT negate the toxicity of my youth, nor their prime toxicity negate those few moment of delight, of caring and of direct emotional awareness of me as an individual rather than an object to be abused, sexually, physically and emotionally.

So, I rather echo Tennis' commentary that LW can parent herself. She has, in fact, already started by creating an independent life and a strong and profound loving relationship. So, the skills are there, the journey already started..........And, while doing so, LW is entitled to establish those boundaries with these toxic folks in any way that she wishes. With that in mind, I would suggest that she look very precisely at what activates her the most and discard those interactions, maintaining only those that are the most innocuous for LW. That may mean very little contact - or none - while she fully explores her feelings. What will be contra productive will be maintaining depth of contact with these folks while processing, because there will remain a quiet sideline myth that, perhaps, with enough dialog, Mom and Dad will "get it". They won't - not now, and probably not ever.