LW letter poses some interesting challenges of awareness, both of self and of others.

Given that she has two children, two jobs and a husband, I would wonder if there is much time for a "nurturing" relationship with ole ma and pa..... relationships take time, and LW's time is filled with her nuclear family and her work.

Given that BF grew up with a drunken ma, I am not surprised that she adopted a new set of parents. I had two drunken parents, and would have given anything to find a receptive parental figure in early adult life. Kudos for BF for seeking out an appropriate role model. And to have a surrogate mother attending to her needs on her wedding day because her own mother was sloshed to the gills is an enormous gift of the heart from LW's mother.

LW might ponder the awareness that her parents are not giving BF that which they are holding back from LW. I would strongly susupect that LW's parents enjoy BF because she needs them, because she does have a life more in alignment with their core values and because she is available. That is not a suggestion that LW or her sister change to suit their parents' conventional worldview, but could be a cue to let go of her hostility towards BF for having found a solution to her own needs, a solution that has reciprocity with LW's parent.

There may not be a solution in the near future, what with two kids, two jobs and a hubby in tow, plus, if I remember, a scattering of pets and of course, a house. When LW does have some time, she might wish to reflect on what her parents's needs are in the context of an adult relationship as well as what hers are....... Adult child/parent relationships can be a wide variety of things...

At the core, I suspect that LW may be pissed about the BF relationship with Ma because it points out some fundamental differences in values between LW and ma while BF and Ma seem to be synched on the same page. No doubt irritating, but a real circumstance driven by LW's real conviditons about what is/is not important in her own life. Probably time for some acceptance of herself, and time to abandon the adolescent rebellious riff. She is an adult with different values from her parents. Time to move on.

In the twelve-step program I attend that provides me with peer support in dealing with the issues of childhood sexual abuse, we have a phrase that captures the quintessence of what I believe LW is dealing with, and it transcends culture, social class and education..... it is called "abandoning the myth of the ideal family". My wife has commented that following that is 'abandoning the myth of the almost good enough family...." and so on.

Children need to believe that Mommy and daddy are ever-loving, ever-defending people who care deeply, and will always continue to care deeply, about their children. This mythical thinking - giving the parent an almost mythic power - comes from the centrism of a child in his or her life. Gradually, as one grows older, the imperfections of Mommy and Daddy become apparent, and life moves forward, generally with an adult relationship between the now-adult child and the aging parent. Some parents are decent, kind and loving. A fair number, actually, are not. And LW's daddy sounds like a schmuck. It doesn't matter, in the moment, why, or how he got there - that is his story, and LW has no control over that story.

What LW can do is deal with the adult reality of who his father is, acknowledge his longings as realistic and very, very human, but also recognize that this particular daddy ain't gonna step up to the plate. If he wasn't there for LW post-discharge, he is unlikely to step into the activities of daily life....

If LW can accept this, and udnerstand that he can, after all, be his own parent - tending to his own needs, nurturing himself - he will find, over time, perhaps some compassion for the rigid stick that is his father. I can now look the the utterly toxic, abusive, alchoholic parents that I had with some compassion, understanding that the adult life that I have achieved has a far richer emotional resonance than they ever knew. I now see them as sad folks, lost in a sea of their own toxicity. They have both been dead for decades, now, and there are still times that I mourn my loss... not the loss of them, but the loss of who they might have been.

LW has dealt with some compelling issues, and appears to have a stable life with a daughter that he cares about. He has all of the rudiments of a rich adult life, if he chooses to live it. And, he can live it without dad or a caricature of a dad in his life. Sad, but manageable. And with an emerging compassion for his father, and his father's devastating emotional limitations, he can build a life that avoids such aridity/

Ric