lots of cogent writing here, but I suspect that LW does not have all of the emperical data that he would really need to fhesh out a decision tree. Does he know what his GF's long term professional goals are, and are they realistic? Does she want to have children and a career? Does she want to focus on academia? Is her love of him just the manifestation of an emerging ability to manage a relationship for more than a few weeks, or does it demonstrate an emerging maturity?

And, more close to the bone, will the relationship thrive just because of proximity if his career choices in the Bay area are crap? And, will it wither if he lives in Toronto and they see each other on critical holidays?

And, critically, does LW have the kind of relationship with the GF to sustain a candid dialogue about all of the above?

If the answer to the last one is a "no", then the love will become self-limiting, and he needs to move on, take the job in Toronto, and build both a career and a social life. If the answer to the last one is a "yes', then LW and GF have some serious chat time to have.

It is possible, albiet challenging, to maintain a long distance relationship. My wife and I did so for four years, using letters, telephone and frequent visits. It can work, and in a slowly maturing relationship, it can actually facilitate. There is time for maturity to devevelop, concensus concerning career and life in general.......

LW' stepson is entitled to whatever Oedipus complex he wishes to sustain while reaching for manhood; classic theories of personality development suggest that it is almost inevitable that a boy will turn to his mother (or stepmother) as a first object of sexual interest. Indeed, the role of a loving mother is to see to it that such focus is dealt with clearly, lovingly and in a way that empowers the young man to turn his focus on women who are, indeed, truly and legitimately accessible to him. Conversely, a loving father will carefully create the circumstance where his daughter can feel empowered to select more suitable companions for sexual expression than Daddy.

It is hardly unusual for an adult to feel sexual stirrings in relation to their children. The letter written by the therapist speaks candidly to the free-floating nature of sexual feelings that we all possess, whether we wish to acknowledge them candidly or not. The therapist is being candid and realistic about the nature of us all, frankly, and her letter contains a great deal of validation for the experience of sustaining sexual feelings in a variety of settings, including that of the home. However, feelings, as she clearly notes, are not necessarily a platform upon which to create an "action plan".

It is in the dangerous netherworld between passing thought, fantasy and action that LW pitches her concern. And, indeed, LW is entitled to whatever passing thoughts she wishes to have; she, like many of us, may not really "control" those passing thoughts, dreams, fantasies..... and that dangerous netherworld is rendered more dangerous when the circumstance of her passionless marriage causes those thoghts to become a bit - well -obsessive, if one can sense the tenor of LW's emotional state. Obsessional fantasies are CERTAINLY no basis for creating an "action plan".

But - LW can control her actions, and for her to act on her impulse would be disasterous for her, for her stepson and for whatever she thinks her marriage constitutes. The imbalance of power and authority explicit and implicit in a parent/child relationship will see to it that the sexual expression will, perforce, be cohercive in nature. This is NOT about "concensual sex", and LW's reference to the creepyness of Woody Allen's marriage with his stepdaughter speaks to the apalling nature of manipulation and control that is explicit in such a transatction; clearly, LW is "aware".

As for selected correspondents who urge upon LW the opportunity for a romp in the hay with an attractive young stud, regardless of the filial relationship, I would suggest, as one who was unfortunately forced into a non-concensual sexual relationship with my mother, that such relationships are massively destructive, at whatever age they occur. A sexual transaction between two people where there is an imbalance of power/age/relational authority is a form of rape, and calling it anything else is purely delusional. Young men "seduced" by older women, whether moms or stepmons, are not "getting lucky" at an early age, but are being raped. There is no prettier or more accurate word than that. It matters not that the young man may view it as "concensual" at the time, it remains an act of cohersion, not consensual affection.

LW needs to look carefully at the power of her repetitive thinking, and explore the emotions that lie behind that obsessive repetitive projections of sexual passion. Clearly, the absense of passion in her marriage may be the obvious cause, but the resolution is not so obvious. It may be that her husband will remain - for whatever reason - utterly passionless, and then LW has other choices - discrete affairs, divorce, a longterm relatinship with a "friend with benefits", depending upon the tolerance level of her spouse and her own ethical boundaries. All of the above scenarios are plausable choices, frankly.

What is NOT a choice is bedding her stepson, or even engaging in the flirtatious behaviors that might suggest that such an event might be an outcome. Covert sexual abuse can be just as damaging as overt abuse......and to put it succinctly, LW needs to remain the adult in the transaction with her stepson.