LW, you are at a point where the new age "you create your own reality" intersects with conservative Christian rhetoric "this was meant to be". Bizarre, but both driven, as one correspondent noted, from fear of loss of control.

I experienced both in spades when my wife sustained a massive ruptured brain aneurysm. Having someone say that I needed to find the hidden meaning in "what was meant to be" apalled me, and my wife's name was placed in more Christian prayer circles than I could think of. moreover, fear-based folks are the most persistent in their search for reassurance via information.....I would return from the ICU with as many as twenty voicemail messages, each plaintively requiring reassurances.

My tools and techniques included:

A biweekly email, carefully composed to reveal current information without revealing any more than I wished. Eventualy, this had a circulation of about fifty people, those without email garnered the information from those that did.

For those that initiatiate dialogue that I found inappropriate, I simply thanked them for their interest and intent, but firmly noted that their belief structure and mine were different, and that, in fact, the specifics of their view were not comfortable for me to hear. Most got it. And - I shed a few friendships in the process. So be it.

I established a structure and order around what I needed from whom and when. Those that exceeded those limits were politely but firmly course-corrected. It becomes easier over time. There is a great freedom of candor that LW's circumstance can create.

I had friends run interference with some of the most codependent of individuals, those who would have shackled themselves to my wife's ICU bed while she was in a coma. Non-codependent friends will be authentically willing to help and can steer determined caregivers off with good cheer, tact and directness. In that sense, soome of the friendships that my wife and I had grew deeper and far more profound under the intensity of the moment. LW's husband, despite the complexities of his own family, is best suited to establish boundaries with them. He needs to step up to the plate to define who helps who, when, and how.

For those that insisted on "helping", I developed a series of tasks, mostly functional, that folks could focus on. I ended up throwing away more tuna casseroles than I could shake a stick at (but only in the dark of night......), but people felt it helped, and it kept them form more intrusive forms of "assistance" that would have hindered me. Perhaps LWS's husband can create a list of minor tasks that folks who insist on helping can do.

I DID ask for help, selectively, from those who understood. I had three friends who would, at my request, drive into the city (determined suburbanites that they were) and take me out to dinner once a week. The rules were that the conversation never focus on the dire condition of my wife at the time, but focus on their lives, the weather, theater, movies, whatever..... and their caring fun became a safety valve. Amonsts your friends and family there may be one or two folks that LW can "play" with.....

My best wishes, LW, to you in your process; you have a formidable senseof self as a foundation for your living. Dealing with complex medical conditions is not easy.

LW notes that she might not have stayed with Boring had she not had a complex set of personal and family issues with which to deal; his supportiveness was essential, and LW became "habituated" to his support, grateful and - truly supported.

The real question, to me, is whether LW loves Boring, unconditionally. Would she support him through the same health issues? Support him in a massive career shift should he go that way? Support him with his interests by NOT focusing on all of them, but giving him the freedom to pursue them with like-minded souls? Can she talk with him, soul to soul, openly and candidly? Can LW articulate her fantasies, wishes, hopes and dreams - regardless as to whether she really wishes to act on them?

If the answer is no, then she needs to release Boring to find a more compatible lifemate and she needs to embark upon finding Mr. Dangerously Right.......

If the answer is yes, then she needs to initiate a dialogue with Boring so that she and he have a true tabula rasa of understanding. Perhaps she will find that he is irretrievably dedicated to vanilla sex. Perhaps she will find out that he has a secret wish to dress up in latex on weekends and engage in group orgies, whetehr in fantasy or reality. Perhaps, just perhaps, a quiet man who is not interested in her painting but supports it creates a stronger platform for deep and introspective work than marrying, for example, another painter......