Certainly changing the will is the first step for self-protecton, and can only represent a prudent course of action in protecting your own children.

Second, if this couple has used therapeutic commentary in the past to modify behavior, it is time to enlist again. You cannot change your brother-in-law's behavior solo; he has to be able to access tools to change. One can likely assume that he is "re-enacting' abuse that he sustained as a child; if he is at all willing, it is time for him to "look at his own stuff". At the very least, he needs to engage in behavioral changes, and re-establish the more appropriate behaviors that he seems to have allowed to slip. There are parenting courses out there, including the well-established Parent Effectiveness Training material, also available in written form. My wife, who was raised in a wildly dysfunctional family, turned to this material when she became a mother, and it was vastly helpful in providing her with a model for appropriate behavior that was respectful of her son's needs - and her own. Making your brother-in-law aware of this information can be one task you can take upon yourself.

These issues cannot be broached without addressing a massive shame affect on the part of your brother in law which may be so strong as to inhibit his ability to truly listen to what you have to say; that just means saying it repeatedly, qietly, firmly, and over time..... And, anger is contageous, and it may be easy for his anger to ignite your own.... it will be important, in any discussion, to speak to your perceptions and awarenesses with as much calm and coolness as you can possibly muster, not allowing his use (or threat) of anger to terrorize the discussion.

You can let his children know that this is inappropriate behavior - by speaking, quietly, to the issue, by - as one writer suggested - having the kids as guests in your home. The value of "enlightened witnesses" for a child being raised in a predominantly dysfunctional household cannot be underestimated....(as several letters note.....). Raised in a bizarre household (alchoholism, physical violence and sexual abuse, all hidden behind the veneer of my parent's professional career/success), I still remember the summer I spent with my uncle and his family, 800 miles away from my parents..... a completely different view of how a child could live.......and I have vivid memories of the random insightful schoolteacher who spent extra time with me................You can be an enlightened witness for your nephews, simply by being you, by speaking your truth, and by not backing down in terms of your belief structure and your own behavior in the face of your brother in law's anger.

One aspect to establish with your brother in law is that the kids will, ultimately, grow up to be bigger than he is, with concommitant results, when violence is the form of communication. My stepson's father was, on occassion, physically violent. When my stepson reaced a robust age of 13, and weighed in at 190/6'-2", his stepfather attacked him, and my stepson responded by picking his father (by then, deeply debilitated by decades of drinking and drugging) up and slamming him on the parking lot pavement, finishing their "discussion" while sitting on his father's chest...... it was the last time that his father was violent, and it was long, long after my stepson had discarded any respect for his father. Ultimately, his father died with the presence of his son only by virtue of a sense of duty, not a sense of true affection. Your brother-in-law is planting a bitter crop that will yield not fruit as he ages, and as his sons reach maturity.

As one writer noted, if this man was beating his wife, the natural response would be to intervene, in some way. This circumstance is no different.

This drunken cheater may feel that, based on your prior relationship, he was 'entitled' to touch you in a manner that now, given the passage of time, you view as inappropriate. The fact that he is a drunk is relevant only in that alchohol reduces inhibition, but that is a comment, by no means an excuse.

Reather than look at what it says about him, look at your reaction to an action of his that, during the heyday of your relationship might have been common, even embraced, as it were. Now, with the passage of time and the emergence of reason, his action is not acceptable to you.

Time to tell the drunken cheater that he is no longer a lovebunny choice, and move on. That you feel upset, angry and violated is indicative of the fact that the relationship, for whatever it was worth, has waned.........and given the core dynamics, that is, to quote Martha Stewart, 'a good thing". It might be, for you, a very good thing.

Ric