This is certainly a tough situation, and without assigning 'blame" the facts are simple. The core of the overt marriage contract has been rather completely breeched, and without any particular/apparent reluctance on the part of the wife. Moreover, the persistant lying leads one to believe that the wife, in this case, is finding any easy route to justify her actions on a day/day basis, rather than taking the high road, leaving to "find herself" and moving on. Rebuilding the relationship at this point, would require two things - a wife who wants to repair it, and a basis for honest communication. It appears that neither of those two key criteria are particularly present.

Time to establish the legal basis for the divorce, and then the emotional basis for this woman's departure from LW's life and the lives of his kids. Doing that might require some self-care and child care, in the form of a family therapist that can help the three of them adjust to the changed circumstances. Time to find some socially acceptable ways of releasing his grief and anger about the collapse of this relationship... there are innumerable ones out there, but physical activity of some sort would be of great benefit. Maybe camping with the kids can achieve multiple goals at the same time? Sandlot sports coaching, if his kids are inclined that way? Something to get his own solidified/frozen energy moving......and redirected.

Cary's reference to support groups for men in this circumstance is a valid one, and if LW has any theologic impulses, a religious community (whether the Seventh Day Adventists or the Unitarian Universalists) may well provide a wealth of support, both formal and informal, for LW and his kids. LW's children's schools may provide another array of support. This is a time to reach out to the community, not hide...

In addition, LW might wish to seek counseling to attempt to discern more about his own behavioral patterns. This is NOT an effort to assign 'blame" for his wife's cheating, but it would appear that, by the age of 41, he has found two unsuitable long term relationships that have crumbled. What messages is he sending out, what signals is he misreading, and is he setting himself up for failed relationships by his own selection/decision process? What behavioral patterns is he unaware of that he deploys? Painful question, and a compellingly deep one, and one that needs to be examined gently but honestly in the light of objectivity, NOT self-blame. Self evaluation is, at it's core, far, far more challenging than a simple blamegame scenario......after all. Certainly, at 41 he has ample time to find a relationship with a caring woman with whom he can share a life.

I believe Cary's reference to child support was to the biologic mother of the children, and it is certainly worth pursuing, although that road might be quite dry, depending upon the circumstances of the first failed relationship. Sometimes the legal and emotional challenges attached to garnering and maintaining such support are not worth the economic benefit gained.

One could analyze the pathologies of the wife - but that really does not serve much good on a pragmatic basis at this time. She marries, after a tempestuous and complex courtship, then cheats, then lies about it. Undoubtedly some complex motives, and undoubtedly some complex issues underpinning her behavior. That is for HER to deal with with HER therapist. His conjecturing about the "why" of her behavior uses valuable energy that can be much better devoted to self-care and child-care. The "why" of her behavior may reveal itself over time, but the critical issue now is the stabilization of a new household, anchoring the kids, and anchoring LW. The wife has made it quite clear that she wants out of the circle, and focusing on her needs is moot, frankly.