The pathology of people who abuse significant others is well established.... the insecurity, the lack of appropriate boundaries, the charisma and adrenaline rush of violent action, the need to control, the need to sustain a high narcissistic presence in the form of power, and the utter and incomprehensible need/ability to render the true victim as the villain ....Frequently packaged in a charming and utterly disarming presence, at least initially, and inevitably surrounded with remorse and proverbial promises of radical change if the significant other is willing to provide the "one more chance" that will make the difference, frequently coupled with the presumption that NOT providing such a "chance" will "destroy" the individual...

LW's husband is classic. Textbook. A case study, albiet an utterly predictable one. The fact that his behavior is packaged in a box of professional rectitude and comes from "good stock" is utterly irrelevant to the pathology of his behavior, save that it disguises his true nature from naieve folk.

People who engage in spousal abuse rarely change; as one writer noted, it takes great inner strength to explore the manifest insecurities that drive such violent behavior, wrestle those insecurities to the ground, truly recognize the malignancy of the behavior and then move forward into a more ethical and emotionally resonant life. Unless this guy has self-initiated a plan of emotional healing, he isn't going to "reform" overnight. His "conversion" to appropriate behavior will last precisely as long as is needed to re-establish his sense of control of LW's actions and life, and then the patterns will revert, with chilling consistancy, and the liklihood of increasing violence over weeks, months and years.

Instead of considering whether to rejoin this sadly malignant individual, LW should be considering how to reinforce boundaries, reduce contact and minimize interaction. Staying married to him really is out of the question; divorcing him as efficiently and as bloodlessly as possible has to be the only course of action, preferably with an attorney doing the "heavy lifting". There is no interaction with this man that will be innocent or devoid of an intent for him to return to a position of self-percieved control and authority. And, LW should continue the considered and thoughtful work she is pursuing with her therapist, who sounds like a sensible interventionist, at the very least.

My wife was married to a man with a sad capacity for domestic violence, fueled, ultimately, by an addiction to alchohol and a dependency on pot. A brilliant and highly respected stockbroker, wildly successful, deeply respected, the man ultimately pissed away his career through booze. His wife left him, fleeing one day in a cab with a paper bag of clothes and her son..... and began the process of divorcing him, slowly, so as to not antagonize him to act on his rash - but utterly believable - threats of kidnapping, murder/suicide, etc. She succeeded, ultimately buying her way out of the marriage. We hired a security guard to protect the entrance of the church for our wedding ceremony, and lived for a decade in an apartment building known for its ironclad security; gradually both the physical and emotional boundaries created a sense of safety for my wife and her son. The man died, finally, his health shattered by his addiction, alone and bereft of friendhship, family, colleagues and career, fully believing that he was the victim, that life had treated him shabbily, and that his wife had been the evil one to abandon him. Pure self-aggrandizing sophistry, but an arguement that deeply swayed him, though at the end, no one else.

So, LW, you've gotten out. Stay out, and move farther away, emotionally and physically. Be mindful of the cleverness and unpredictibility of violent insecurity, and establish a life that allows a sense of personal physical and emotional safety. This man has no place in that life.