Of course LW has problems with self-esteem, given the messages from her youth. A mother who drinks and a father who is hyper critical. So, where did the validation come from? Apparently, little did. So LW is a wonderful spirit, but doesn't understand why folks like her. Probably because to acknowledge that she is likeable risks criticicism from the taped "inner father" or risks being un-noticed by the taped "inner mother". She probably has those tapes nicely grooved, and by now, the differentation between her internal view and her parents' apalling perceptions is slight. Time to widen the gap.

I'd suggest a nice routine of attending an ACOA (Adult Children of Alchoholics) meeting to get grounded with the life experiences of others who had similar crapped up childhoods. This is not to suggest a pity party, but it is to suggest that folks who have had similar childhoods have something to say on the subject, particluarly in regards to dumping the crappy parenting and learning how to reparent. She will learn a lot about her mother's behavior, and began to place it into perspective, gradually separating out her mother's inevitable neglect from her own sense of self. And, she will learn about her father's enabling, destructive behavior, and be able to release his poisonous perceptions as she explores who her parents really were as people, not as Mommy and Daddy. I'm not suggesting that she engage in a pity party or blame game, but the reality is that her parents were lousy at parenting for some reasons that have nothing to do with LW, and LW needs to "separate" from their thinking. As she does so, she will come into her own.

And, yup, when she's ready, the ubiquitous therapist.... someone who you pay to focus solely on YOU, who listens, who (if they are any good) support insight.

Attending a twelve-step program is always scary, but the reality is that those rooms accept you on some level the instant you walk in the door. From there on out, it is up to you to figure out how you use the setting and the tools available.....And, it is an amazingly simple way to meet people, people who share fundamental parallels of childhood experience. Some may become friends over time.

Attending a program, working with a therapist, both represent outward reaches. The notion of meditation, a powerful and insightful tool, is great - as a counterbalance. To that end, she may want to learn to journal, using the reflective process of writing to gain insight.

Above all, LW needs to be aware of some simple basics - that her parents were really rather mediocre at their best, and malignant and neglectful at their standard. She needs to shed their thinking, and learn to move into her own self. It can be done.

Several writers have noted ethnic patterns that define close family ties long after the standard American "mutt" family will have untied the apron strings. SO, behavior that might seem pathological in a normal, mildly dysfunctional WASP family is utterly common, as noted, in Chinese-American and Korean-American families. I suspect some extended Italian-American families (yep, they still exist in major northeastern cities) could also step up to the plate. That said, LW still has several issues to sort out, regardless as to whether the behavior is expected within the context of his girlfriend's subculture.

The reality that even the potential of Mommy and Daddy's disapproval caused acute nausea and resulted in the LW's girlfriend being distraught for some time is disturbing, ethnic potentials notwithstanding. That goes rather above "close family ties" in anyone's book, and does suggest some complex relationship between the young woman and her parents. Her behavior was desparate in it's desire to maintain a perception of an unblemished "record" as a good daughter. Her response to her percieved expectations from her parents should raise a huge red flag for LW. How will that play when it comes time to "nest"? Buy a house, have and raise children, etc? My guess is that parent's values rule, without question, because of some long-established pattern of parental authority. So, when LW's girlfriend becomes a mommie, she may not "move into her own". She may well always remain a daughter before ever becoming a wife, with that pattern of dominance/submission set in place. And frankly, only she can break this pattern, and only if she wants to; if she does, it may cost her her family ties.

Even if the behavior is conventional within this young woman's cultural set, the issue is whether LW wishes to live with it. I would guess that the young woman in question ain't gonna change; those patterns are well-set by now, and he is a visitor to her land - her apartment, her city, her parents, her sister and aunt. My guess is his choice is to either take up citizinship in this little duchy of deeply woven family ties (move to the city where Mommie and Daddy retire, for example) , or leave. If he stays without genuinely accepting the "normalcy" (status quo) of his potential in-laws, he will, very rapidly, build and stockpile significant resentment over what he percieves, quite rightly based on his values, to be constant intrusions.