Sounds like the hubby is treading a very thin line, and probably has already trod on the other side. As for his asking his wife to run through his email, sounds like a classic passive-aggressive ploy to get his wife to discover what is going on without addressing it directly - he wants her to know without going through the fervor of telling her. Perhaps to incite her to action first?

Having independent lives is one thing - my wife and I both have friends of the same and opposite gender. In a less than perfect world, I don't like some of her friends, and she doesn't much cotton to some of mine, so we spend time with those folks independent of each other. Dinner, email, telephone..... Is there a risk of any of the opposite gender stuff turning towards a direction that is different from friendship? Sure, but neither she nor I would much honor it. Have I wondered, from time to time? Yep, and we've discussed it. Has she, from time to time? Yep, and we've discussed it. In one circumstance, my wife was able to suggest to me that the actions of a friend of mine were not entirely innocent; with a greater sense of self-awareness, I was able to redirect that friendship politely but firmly to high ground........

I'm not much for the elegantly subtle manner in which Cary lays out a possible scenario. I'd suggest that she "take the bait" by throwing hubby in a chair for a long chat about the meaning of friendship and the value of his liasons to him. He can get as incensed as he wishes about her running through his email; if he asks her to run through it to find something, he needs to understand that he might as well have given her his password....... so the first step in the conversation is to call him on his passive aggression. If she feels that she can't have this discussion with him, time to call in the pros, and arrange for this little dialogue to occur with the presence of a third person, who can help sort out the issues of communication, longing for forbidden fruit, feelings of entrapment, etc. A few sessions might provide some clarity in a hostile and combative circumstance.

Somewhere along the line, this guy got to feeling trapped, whether legitimately or projected, in his marriage, and is seeking a release valve. She and he can either course-correct, or she can provide him with oodles of time to pursue the bank clerk.

I suspect that determining when the failure to communicate began, and "who started it" is rather like the conundrum of which came first, the chicken or the egg? But I strongly suspect that the failure to communicate began rather before this issue reared it's ugly head; thus, the abortion or non-abortion is not really the problem, but simply the symptom of a really rotten set of communication skills this couple has compiled.

Did they talk about kids before the marriage? Have they talked, continuously, about the issues, both pro and con, on an ongoing basis, in a casual way/thoughful way? Or did they blunder into a marriage of form, with an assumption that they would both live happily ever after?

Does the LW understand, in any remote way, the impact of depression? Her depression could be chemically driven, or environmentally driven, or both. By now, I would guess that living with LW is a significant cause for environmental depression for this hapless woman.......

Does LW understand the implicit risks of pregnancy whilst on anti-depressants, and does he understand the impact of post-partum depression as might be exacerbated by a pre-existing depression?

And, in any of the confidentiality-violiating discussions with his "doctor friends", did he explore the ramifications of the above, or was he simply restricted to HIS issue?

LW lost his one graceful opportunity to talk with his wife about whether she induced an abortion when he "confronted" her. Rather, had he sat down with his (clinically depressed) wife and sustained a discussion about life and living, tried to understand what was going on in her life, she might have "opened up". Faced with his confrontational approach, I suspect wifey is likely to clam up about everything, including the time of day, purely out of some desire to retain a sense of personal boundary, and perhaps, at this point, out of spite.

By now, if they are going to break the cycle of secrecy, concealed feelings, skewed values and differing timeframes for having children, they need clincial intervention. Given that this woman is being treated for depression, they probably should have been in counseling long before she got preggers. If LW cannot find some basis to stand on a platform of creative listening and compassion, his wife has every reason to, via actions and words, tell LW to "get lost". And, in fact, LW's departure from the scene of her life might, just might, do wonders for her depression.....