We have one "version" as to what is going on with Mom, who is articulating pain from somewhere, but we're not sure where.

We have a sib who wanted time with her bro, but his own travel plans co-opted it.

Were I LW, I'd stick very close to the issues she has with her brother, and deal with those face-up - let him know of her disappointment, and then listen, truly listen, to his response. For her to assume that there is somehow a circumstance of intended avoidance on his part is a bit mean, frankly, until this guy has a chance to say what is going on with his life.

If, after processing her own stuff, she wants to engender a conversation about Mom, she can do that, but that platform needs to be objective, not accusatory. She needs to note Mom's frustration about things not happening, appointments missed, and so on, and then she - once again - needs to listen. Maybe he is apalled by his mother's grandmotherly techniques with his childhren, and keeps them away out of prudence. Maybe there are two sides to the stories that Mom is schlepping around, pandering for the warmest saucer of milk. Who knows, maybe he has a raft of complaints from Ma about Sis, and the fact that she isn't attentive enough, even via telephone and correspondence? Sis may be shocked to discover that Ma has two inattentive, rude and unsupportive children................May be time, not to sit down with an accusatory mindframe, but with the opportunity to "compare notes" as Ma moves into the age where she is the one requiring care........ In the environment of "comparing notes" the real nature of her brother's behavior and her mother's behavior will flesh itself out, and she can then move forward informed by that discussion. If she moves in "attack mode" ("you're hurting Ma and I'm pissed") he, quite rightly, may well tell her to mind her own business......

It may be that Mom is bored, and needs more companionship, of her own age, more activites to keep her busy, more vitality in her life. Is she trying to live vicariously through her son and her son's family? that would be reason enough to steer the kiddies well away from such smother love......

It may be that Sis, now 900 miles away, is unaware that Ma has turned into a complaining harpy, or a manipulative mother-in-law, or whatever. She doesn't have the day/day texture to make that call......

So, the real issues to sort out are whether Mommy is really a victim, or simply feels that way, and whether Bro is really a tough-ass or simply has complex priorities going on in his life that he chooses not to wear on his sleeve. However, any parent has the operational perogative of establishing the ground rules for their upbringing, and I would, were I Sis, tread on that turf very, very tenderly. Were I the Bro in question, faced with a Sis who "told" me that I "should let Ma have more time with the kids because her feelings are hurt" - I'd be more than passingly crisp in response.