Shortly after my marriage (my first, her second), I was diagnosed with a rare blood condition which randomly causes my white blood cells to not renew at the speed at which they slough off. At best, it results in random fatigue, at worst, it leaves me with a crippled immune system and can threaten my life. My wife of just a few years coped magnificantly, dealing with what she had to deal with. My original diagnosis was a probable five years; that was 14 years ago.

Three years ago, she sustained a ruptured brain aneurysm, without precursive symptions; I was given a 10% survival calculation in the ER, with the probable outcome of her being "vegitative" should she survive. Massive and debilitating, it left her in a coma for weeks, and her rehabilitation took months before she could live at home. At that, home was a new apartment, one that was handicapped accessible. IT was my time to step up to the plate, and I assembled a combination of allopathic and complimentary treatment programs that have brought her back to a life that she wants to live; the "package" I assembled is now being used as a model by one of the local medical schools as a model for blended care.. She will never return to her career as a power consultant in her field, but she does have a life.

And, so do we. We travel, we laugh, we mourn the things we can no longer do, and we understand in ways that most couples do not, the essence of mortality, and we try to live in the moment, because that is what we have.

I don't think either one of us would have thought that we could do what we did when we got married, frankly. The concept grows on you.

So, if LW is afraid, he is only human. If he chooses to embark on being a partner with this woman during her time of need, he needs to do so with a rapidly honed set of boundaries (i.e. what he can and cannot do), a clear understanding of the concept of "respite care', an efficient ability to communicate clearly and cleanly and an ability to embrace and process strong emotions. If he chooses to bag out, he needs to do so efficiently, so that this woman can understand what her resources are and are not.

Frankly, if this man really loves this woman, I think he should go for it. It is just as possible to hold hands in an intensive care unit as at the base of the Niagara Falls, and it is just as possible to find humor in some misbegotten caregivers garbled directions as it is in the Sunday comics. However, if he does ally with this woman during her time of need, it will rapidly shred concepts of "normal romance", and he will find that his relationship witht his woman will cut to the core. And frankly, while I would never look at my condition or my wife's as a "hidden blessing", it has led both of us to a deep understanding of ourselves, each other and our love, but ONLY because we sustained a compelling ability to communicate and to own our own boundaries during the most stressful of times. That said, we are now looking at our twentieth wedding anniversary, something we both view as a minor miracle......