Congrats to LW for using a sophisticated educational pathway to create a validating career that provides you with support, a measure of your competency and an ability to build a self-image well apart from the idiotic maunderings of your family of origin.

Unfortunately, they are unlikely to change. They have no reason to do so, and it is way too much fun to identify you as the "problem" and gossip about you than it is to focus on their own dysfunctional behavior, which - were they to scrutinize it in any real way - would apall them.

I would go so far as to suggest that your first marriage may have been to a man of some considerable dysfunction because that was utterly familiar to you; kudos for dumping him successfully. (The fact that your mother cannot identify his dysfunction is becasue she is truly blind to it..... because of her own dysfunctional competencies.) Now that you've dumped the surrogage representative of your family from your adult home/bed, it's now time to establish boundarys - massive ones - between you and your family of origin. If they are unwilling to accept you at face value, then the question becomes why you return to them - and if it is a child's winsome belief in the myth of the ideal family, it is time for you to dismantle that fantasy, and move on. Your family will never "convert" to mental health, to other-validation, simply because they lack the competencies to do so, and the pressure to change is not being internally driven. In doing so, dipping into the skilled work of a therapist for some measure of support and guidance might be useful.

That said, the removal (might I even say "excision") of your family of origin leaves a gaping hole, and one that you can fill with increasing discrimination, with people that you care about. Now that your professional life is well in hand, take a look at how you build a personal life - take a hobby and find a way to do it with other folks, pick your politics and become active, pick your theology and join a community of like-minded folks, pick a sport and do it with folks who can teach you how to enjoy it to the fullest. In these communities of folks that you can share adult activities and beliefs with, there will be manifold opportunities for you to build a personal life in which your talents are validated, your shortcomings are accepted as human and not as a mark of utter failure, and the reality base of those folks will be far superior than that of your family of origin. Some of the folks that you meet in these venues will resonate with you, and friendships can/will form, these have the opportunity to deepen into profound relationships over time.

Families of origin are not "entitled" to any ongoing relationship just because of a common DNA resource. If you have moved sufficiently far from your family to establish perspective about them, it is time to use that perspective to step out of the picture completely. Inevitably, that will not be met with grace and charm ("Oh, she knows we're dysfunctional, she's escaping, and that is a wonderful thing" - is not likely to be the "message"). In fact the loss of the family whipping boy will probably be met with considerable hostility, which should only reinforce the wisdom of your separation.

I come from a family of origin that was toxic; emotional and sexual abuse abounded, and the wisest thing I did was to separate, first geographically, then emotionally, from these toxic, even dangerous folks. Walking away from one's family of origin hurts, sometimes hurts profoundly, but that pain is the trade-off for a sense of self-respect. My first step, not unlike yours, was to build a professional life - the one area of my personal expression that my parents'malignancy had not touched - and have built a substantive and well-respected career. And - with that "sense of self" built, I have, over the years, built friendships that are deeply meaningful to me; I've been married for decades now to a wonderful woman that I love deeply (we met at work, sharing the same coffee station whilst working late-night gigs for our respective subdivisions of the same holding company) and I have two "brothers of choice" - men who I share deep and companionable friendships with. My wife and I host a Thanksgiving "Family of Choice" dinner, inviting folks from childhoods similar to mine; together we create a day of laughter and stories and warmth...... and a compelling alternative to returning to emotional toxic waste sites, simply because they are "family".

Over time, and it does take time, your awareness - "perspective" will become stronger, your pathway more clear, and your separation from your family of origin less wounding. You will have a life that means something to you, and the fact that it may apall your family of origin (it will actually be terrifying to them) will become a source of bittersweet amusement to you. But - it will be from an emotional distance that will allow you to breathe.