Letters to the Editor
happy chick
Published Letters: 29 Editor's Choice: 3
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The friend's attitude
[Read the article: Is it dangerous for a woman to wear party clothes on a bus at night?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I just want to reiterate what chris and No Name Given said, that the problem seems more about the friend's couching her decision as based on her boyfriend's opinion. It really might indicate that she wants to be controlled or at least told what to do. I could even see how it could annoy the LW, because it might seem like she's saying "it's fine for YOU to take the bus at night all dressed up, but I have a BOYfriend who loves me and so I'm too special to take that risk". Why does her concern have to hide behind his views or her importance to him?
For the BF to express this view strikes me as a little chauvinistic unless he does pony up for a cab. I've known men who say these things because they think it makes them sound macho and protective, and some women do enjoy feeling "protected" even if it's just by empty talk. It may be the seeds of a troubling, gender-stereotyped dynamic between him and his girlfriend wherein he "knows whats best" for the "little woman" etc., etc. But, in a vacuum, the idea that being provocatively dressed (if in fact her going out clothes are provocative) might put one in greater danger on a public bus is one over which, as we see from this forum, reasonable people can disagree. So we can conclude that this concern alone does not make the boyfriend a total nutjob.
Take issue if you will with Cary's hyperbolic, imaginative response, but as a female city dweller I know he is right on about it probably being safer to not stand out from the crowd.
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Bluetrain is right
[Read the article: I'm a babe, a total catch -- so why am I alone at 39?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I recently got engaged to a great guy who could not be more perfect for me. I'm 32. In prior relationships I always gave too much too soon, became too utterly devoted to the person because that's how I am, I love 100% and I give 100%. After my last break-up I decided that had to change; I had to set some boundaries and refuse to compromise or appear willing to compromise in any meaningful way. But then *BOOM* I met a man exactly like me. He is short, which is why I think Bluetrain is right, but he's brilliant and successful and handsome. He had a previous marriage in which his wife cheated on him with more than one person - honestly it sounds almost like a French comedy with one person going out the back door as someone else was coming in the front, all right under his nose while he was working long hours. I think he learned from that that he had to set limits on his devotion and on what he was willing to compromise, just as I had learned. So here we are, two people who want to give everything, who can probably afford to give everything *now* to each other, but who have learned the core lesson that we can survive any pain or heartbreak that another person can dish out. I know this story may be self-centered but I am trying to say
(1) Listen to Bluetrain and pick someone who is a very high-quality person but may be misjudged just as you are.
(2) Cary is right that vulnerability is key. Before my fiance told me about his disastrous marriage, I thought he was just a careerist who suddenly woke up at 32 and decided to try to find a wife because it was time. When I realized that he had gone the distance with someone and had his heart handed to him on a platter, he honestly sprang into full relief for me. It was an instantaneous change in the way I saw him and I fell in love with him within hours as I processed the info. He'd already shown me he was a nice guy, a gentleman and apparently successful. But now he had SOUL.
(3) I think of the vulnerability thing as a caution to what all the self help books tell you. If you imagine your life as an object, the conventional advice is to fill it with good things until it's what I picture and a full, round, sphere. But if it's too perfect, there's nothing for anyone to latch onto; they will just slide right off.
(4) Still, you have to protect yourself. I think you have to be willing to take the risk with your heart knowing that in a worst case scenario, you end up no worse off than you started - with a life that is by your own account pretty good. You should feel in control and that you are willingly taking the risk. Know that love is a "nice to have" so that when you're dealing with men, you don't give them power over you. But I can't agree enough with Cary, let them know you're human. I think when I was dating I felt like a failure and blamed myself when things went wrong. I think you're doing well to ask for advice and to take it, but sometimes, it's not you, it's them.
I do think so much is luck and I attribute meeting my fiance to luck and to God's will more than to anything I was doing. But I know his first deep interest in me was when I told him a beloved relative had died prematurely, and my first deep interest in him was when he told me about his divorce. Soul, spice, whatever you want to call it, this is what lets people grab on to each other.