". . . it could make the New Year a little brighter."

_____

Which misses -- or sidesteps -- the point entirely. Loneliness entails grief and grieving, even in the most stable and comfortable of circumstances. It is a necessary or at least ineradicable reality.

But let's all instead just party hearty in effort to avoid that nagging asociality "thinking and reflection," etc.

I was with the love of my life. For once I knew what breathing meant. Words like miracle, soul and spirit existed. Things have a way of going badly for me, and this was no different; since September 1, 2007 I have known a loneliness I have not been able to assuage with help, volunteering, at least attempting to share time with someone else; but to no end. Loneliness wracks the spirit in ways no amount of people in my life--and I am blessed with many--can fix. The responsibility rests with me, I do not feel self-pity, and I did try in every way to rectify the situation in more ways than I thought possible, but when death comes, and this was indeed a death to my soul, resurrection is sometimes impossible.

Ache is a bad word to use here but I find no other; longing is wholly insufficient, and loneliness is the void that cannot be filled by just reaching out or people being in your life.

It is like the married psychologist who is active in his church telling you that all the validation you need is from within, as he accepts yet another award with his picture in the paper.

Until you have lived it, you cannot understand it; if you have, you will never look down on another in that situation. It is not a claim; it is a disease that consumes one from the inside, and believe me, you feel it physically as well.

This after therapy, volunteering, spirituality, and trying to meet others. When you run out of solutions, you are left with the problem.

Loneliness is another "want"

But it might be the case

That it's just another haunt...

...it could be a signal that you're ALONE.

Do not despair. I was alone, so alone I didn't know what to do with my time.

I would go to the shore in San Francisco, and watch the waves and try to remember my youth when the Atlantic shore always meant I was with my Mother or with friends.

This only made me feel more lonely because my mother was far away, and I had few friends. The windswept shore of San Francisco is a bleak place much of the time. Being there only increased my bleak loneliness

Somehow I managed to stick it out, years of loneliness drifted by, and I survived, only to land in a horrible marriage which betrayed my child. And, I survived that too.

Years later, I met a young woman who liked older men, and I was brave enough to pursue her.

She was very brave, and, luckily, she spoke in her sleep that she wanted to marry me.

20 years later, we have two incredible teens and a fine non lonely marriage. My first child has given me a grandson and, after a few years of stress, has become very close to her new step Mum.

All things are possible if we do not despair and give up.

Never stop connecting.

The best thing we have is our appreciation for each other.

Be thankful for the people you know. Nurture them and admire their unique traits.

Loneliness need not rule your life.

Nothing is permanent. Change is always creating new opportunities.

Never give up.

I'm one of those people who don't feel lonely but ought to, at least according to internet articles, expert research, and popular sit-coms. What can I do, dear Abby, to fulfill my duty to feel appropriately bad about myself and incomplete? I mean without loneliness, where would we be? Without the incentive to make ourselves acceptable to others, we'd all be walking around in weird clothes, listening to folk music, and talking on last year's cell phones. What's more, the collective wisdom of our sages of self-help, even, nay, religion, would fall on deaf ears, like so much empty comfort food packaging littering the landscape. Why, without loneliness, how will our sons learn the socially-appropriate uses of pornography? How will our daughters discover the shoe-shaped void that is in a woman's soul? A world without loneliness would be a disaster, greater than any yet seen. Help me, O wise one! How can I save myself from such a fate? Tell me what will make me dissatisfied and emotionally needy, clingy and addicted to people who are bad for me! Is it a person? Is it a brand name? Is there a pill for people like me? Alas, I fear I may already be doomed. Sentenced to a life without a sense of lacking, to the illusion of wholeness, to the willingness to take people as they are but only if it doesn't cost me myself. Take heed, O people, lest it happen to you.

My deepest sympathies for your loss.

What a beautiful testament to your wife, and to your marriage, that you continue to love her so much.

I've been reading Salon for a year, but I've managed to hold back from writing till now.

I won't waste time or space defending or explaining myself to those who won't understand.

I will just say thank you for both your letters - they are thoughtful and heartfelt. And on a day that I am feeling vulnerable, just what I needed.

I have spent the vast majority of my adult life alone, and sometimes lonely. I think both authors KM cites here are onto the main issues. As I see it, these are, first, that feelings of loneliness are achieved (i.e. they are an accomplishment, not something that just "happens," by failing to connect a self you already accept to some other(s) who you think accept key portions of that same self (which you believe the other(s) both know and understand). That said, however, the second point about the sense of actually being "with" another is a bit more difficult to overcome, and certainly not one you'll want to analyze too closely if you wish to sustain the illusion. Our own sense of a coherent self is one that is a very delicate construction. We acheive "with" via various compromises and illusions and donned selves, and "connect" with others via various gambits and compromises. I recall when I first encountered Descartes' "problem of other minds." Although easily overcome intellectually, it never quite left me. So, for me anyway, the "solution" is pragmatism, irony and regularly sweeping myself up into things, staying busy and of service, and trying to fall into moments of joy and satisfaction