". . . it could make the New Year a little brighter."

_____

Which misses -- or sidesteps -- the point entirely. Loneliness entails grief and grieving, even in the most stable and comfortable of circumstances. It is a necessary or at least ineradicable reality.

But let's all instead just party hearty in effort to avoid that nagging asociality "thinking and reflection," etc.

On my long journey of self-discovery, I have come to the conclusion that loneliness is a condition that stems from our childhood. I know, the idea that our parents are to "blame" for everything seems too easy and more than a bit passé, but our childhoods are clearly the foundation for all that comes after. If some of the stones are mislaid, than anything built on this creaky footing will be less secure. If humiliation, spankings, and guilt trips were an integral part of our up-bringing, than we are going to find it difficult to really accept ourselves as individuals worthy of love. Without that self-acceptance--not the self-protective bombast but a deep and abiding sense of security about who we are (something that grows from unconditional love and nurturance)--we are unable to allow others in, afraid that what they will find will be abhorrent. We all need to feel accepted, but if we were denied this as children it will be very difficult to feel this acceptance, or even to allow others the chance to accept us as adults. Overcoming this early conditioning that leads to loneliness is far from easy, but it really isn't about "blaming" ones parents so much as it is understanding the dynamics of our early years and coming to grips with the painful feelings we repressed as children as a means to survive. Anyone who feels disaffected toward themselves, and/or chronically lonely could do worse than to read Alice Miller's "For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence," or her "Prisoners of Childhood." Neither is an easy read, but both are potentially life-changing.

I guess misery is something some people prefer. Or need.

I read all the letters here but yours best expresses my own situation. For the last three years, ending in July 20, 08, I was with my other half, my soulmate, my honey bun and oddly, unlike my marriages or other love affairs, this singlular relationship was the only one where I didn't have a MOMENT of lonliness. That was the best time in my life in terms of closeness to another. We never ran out of things to say or joy in being together. And then, poof,

it ended. We ended. He left, I knew it was right. Immediately after that, I was too busy writing a novel and working for Obama to feel the pain. On Novemeber 4th I had a large party to watch the election returns and to be with other Obama supporters. Then it hit 3 AM and all the folks here left, in couples, as singles, and the door shut and

at that precise moment I felt a lonliness unprecented in my life. It recurred every single night. My book was done. Obama was in, and I did not want to see anyone, because I knew everyone and anyone would be as nothing cf what I'd lost. Now we email across a huge distance, he left the USA and both of us have admitted this feeling that is almost impossible to describe. It's not depression, though of course depression is a component of lonliness. It a very specific loss like the man here who lost his wife a year ago. It just will take time.

Of some, but not much comfort, is that we both knew for reasons not appropriate to get into here, that this was a resting place but not a life, that our love had given us each something we'll miss for a long time, but that our futures cannot and won't depend on each other. And yet, it's as if I was on a happy drug and now am in withdrawal. For people act upon me as drugs do for others. And there are few people with whom I feel so complete as i did. So we stumble on. But just like with a death, we can't rush our way into life, volunteering, making new friends, and in fact losing anyone who was so close means for me anyway, a loss of energy, a lack of happiness, and a deep wound that is loneliness. What to do? Wait it out, bear it, live it forward. I know that new people will help but right now, surrounded by my small family, no way does that cut the pain. Actually, being so lonely for someone is best endured alone for now. That's the sum of it. It hurts. It won't kill us but it hurts a lot. Best to you, fellow sufferer

Lonliness is a terrible thing, especially in a world where there are so many wonderful things to do and relate to. Personally I believe it is associated with the brain much like depression, or some other form of a mental illness.

One needs to counter negative thoughts with Cognitive therapy, group therapy, exercise, healthy diet, and possible medication to counteract the negative thoughts the brain is producing. It works, I know I have been there and am very happy today.

"To expect the family to provide all social interaction is putting too much on a very limited institution. That is why movies making fun of families are so easy to make. The "dysfunctional family' has become a standard trope for comedy, and a boring one at that."

And to expect marriage-and-kids to provide all your emotional needs is equally shortsighted and naive (which is why making fun of weddings or showing disastrous weddings are standard rom-com scenes.) There is a need for dysfunctional family comedies though--they are a corrective to the idealized "famblee uber alles" crap that this society sells. As well, they are reflective of how real families live and deal, with all their imperfections, failings, and potential.

There is a lot of loneliness because our culture has evolved to value competition and individualism over love snd mutuality. Currently, we have some of both value sets, but much, much more of the first. Competition and individualism are predominant in our culture. People are taught to use power over each other, more than for each other. And for many, it goes through all the levels of our culture, to the familial level. People don't trust each other because they hurt each other in their quest for individual power, and power over each other. It doesn't have to be that way though. If people valued love and mutuality more, they would practice it more, be able to trust each other more, and ultimately, be less lonely.