Letters to the Editor
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The Pie Ho
This is exactly what I have feared: cable segmentation of programming for specialized audiences is complete! Not only has "amateur" programming triumphed over professionally-acted series television, but now ultra-specialized shows have overtaken more general fare. How can they have a show exclusively about cream pies? Who would watch something so specific? What about other pies? How about including a segment on cherry pies? or those ubiquitous pot pies from my youth? And this is on pay per view? Who would pay to see amateurs making cream pies? The pie makers better be naked, is all I can say!
And a show about beavers? Where's the audience for that? Didn't they already try something like that with those meerkats? And not beavers in general, either. Just "junior college" beavers? What do they mean "junior college" beavers? Is this code for some kind of gay thing? I thought beavers were something one only encountered in the wild! I just don't see how people are going to tune in to watch a bunch of beavers.
Nimrod nation, indeed!
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Forget FOX, CBS, NBC
Time to leave the broadcast and cable networks (and their commercials) behind altogether and wander in the wild world web of free content!
Forget "The WB"; I prefer "on-demand" programming from "The P2P"...
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WhoNvitedHim
So, dude, I'm thinkin' ya played it so deadpan ya had me goin', but just in case: you might want to do a little research on current sexual practices concerning "cream pie" and "beavers" if ya want to know what they're all about. If ya know, cool. I loved it. Like I say, ya got me goin'...
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Princesses of Oz
It's okay -- all is well in the land of Oz. We also found the whole princess thing embarrassing and tragic television, it tanked in the ratings and none of the girls were ever heard of again. And we all lived happily every after.
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A pity Ms. Havrilesky is so young and innocent.
I was there in the early days of satellite cable channels, when there was so little content that some channels would literally air anything. USA Network was so desperate that you could run your own half-hour show nationwide for something like $250 per episode; you could sell commecial time in it as well. A local guy did this with a variety show, attempting to be a combination of Johnny Carson and Ted Mack. Had the charm of the guy who does embalming at mortuaries, and I don't mean Six Feet Under charm, I mean Ed Wood horror-movie charm. I'd mention his name, but I know the circles he crept around. If I identified him, several very large angry men, all named Guido, would soon be knocking on my door.
I'll bet Havrilesy doesn't even remember public access cable, something communities enforced upon cable systems until megacorporation money took over the systems and eliminated them. Think Ask the Pastor was good? You should have seen Victory in Jesus. It had one black and white camera, with an 80 year old woman reading bible verses, interrupted only by her blind granddaughter playing hymns on accordian. The open and close was the camera jerkily panning over to the wall, where the title of the show was pinned to the plasterboard over a picture of Jesus cut out of a greeting card.
Oh, a certain cappucino-sipping urban cynic would mock this show, but anyone with a heart who came across this would be shattered by the pathos of it all. The simple faith of a simple person, not looking to steal the retirement money of believers to build a theme park, but wanting to express her heartfelt beliefs. The old lady's undoubtedly dead now; I hope her daughter found some kind of home and happiness.
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Fresh Meat!
You've just re-affirmed Sturgeon's Law.
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I understand that patronizing bullshit is your stock in trade
After all, what is a TV column unless you can gush over the same 5 shows over and over? But there really is a world out there beyond the walls of those same 5 shows you cover.
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Why continue reading?
In your first sentence you state: "Major network TV is seriously boring. I've strained to put a cheerful face on it, but now it's time to be honest." To me this means that everythingin your column wasn't worth reading.
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tomreedtoon, remember when...
... HBO programming was delivered to each cable system on a videocassette, began broadcasting at 7PM and concluded at 11:30PM?
... USA Network would show new wave / avant garde video on "Night Flight" from late Friday until 6AM with the likes of Frank Zappa, Devo, Thompson Twins and The Residents? You never knew what you might see, and it was always surprising and entertaining.
... MTV didn't have enough commercial sponsors, so they would stitch together 50s-era industrial films and old NASA / sci-fi animation set to synth-pop and broadcast 10 minutes of it to fill out the unsponsored time? Many times these were better than the music videos.
... SPN (Satellite Program Network) would broadcast ANYTHING that the sponsor would pay for, and a test pattern when nobody was paying?
... People would run after the cable guy driving through their neighborhood and flag him down to ascertain when they would be getting hooked up? They called 'em "truck chasers". Back then, everyone LOVED cable tv.
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What I Watch:
- Man vs. Wild (Discovery Channel) - cute guy with posh accent explores the world's s**tholes with the energy of a Jack Russell terrier. Every episode requires a jump into dangerous looking water, taking off clothes which miraculously dry in 15 minutes, eating a bug/snake/scorpion/frog.
- Mythbusters (Discovery Channel) - they seem to be running out of myths to bust and have resorted to just blowing stuff up, but it's still better than 99% of what's out there.
- Andromeda (reruns, marathons once a month or so on Sci-Fi channel weekdays) - Strapping Kevin Sorbo in tight leather, with great hair, shooting at things. Hot babe space buddies with tight leather, or hot pink velvet, fashions of the future, and hair that Marie Antoinette would weep for, shooting at things. What's not to love? You could watch this without the sound and still be entertained.
- Lawrence Welk (reruns, PBS Saturday nights) - I started watching 'ironically' and was sucked in, remembering viewing the original shows with my grandmother when I lived with her. Well scrubbed, color coordinated, smiling performers, like slightly older Mouseketeers. Hosted by said performers who are, like, 70 by now, reminiscing, but only 'nice' memories are brought up, along with extraneous personal life updates. Every single son or daughter of every singly LW alumni has gone on to do fabulous, successful things, have lots and lots of adorable children, and frankly being on the LW show has been nothing but a plus.
- Best Week Ever (VH1) - where is this show??? Seems to be hit or miss, apparently depending on how many celebrities make jackasses of themselves. It's a pity celebrities seem to hide during the holidays, holing up in expensive ski resorts, Las Vegas hotels, or wherever they crawl off to. Come on, celebrities, we, the public, NEED to see you, drunk driving, puking in the gutter, flashing your junk, and just generally making public spectacles of yourselves!
Other than the above, my TV is tuned to the Weather Channel, the Program Guide, or default setting, Turner Classic Movie Channel. Happy Holidays!