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• Wednesday, November 21, 2007 05:50 PM

  "Opinions Are Like Assholes...."

  I swear to Almighty God, if I read or hear that flat-headed, ignoramusism one more time someone is goin' to the boneyard. 'Cause you know what, Tommy L.? There are assholes, and then there are Towering Asses of Power.

  Allow me to elucidate. Ready? Then step aside.

  You see, boys and girls, there are INFORMED opinions and UNINFORMED opinions. Taste counts for something. And there are those who have taste and those who like to pour tobasco sauce on filet mignon. The first one has an opinion worth heeding when it comes to cookery, the second one DOESN'T. Period; solly Cholly.

  As to Bob Dylan in particular, all of you waxy-eared wonders who disparage his contributions to WORLD musical culture should do this, just once:

  Go into the bathroom - usually the only room in the house with some acoustical quality unless somebody was dumb enough to lay down a carpet - and repeat the following out loud but without singing it or thinking about either Hendrix or Dylan's version...

  There must be some way up out of here, said the junky to the thief.

  Now repeat it again. Notice anything? There is, in that arrangement of words, proof positive of Dylan's brilliance. Those words, all by themselves, have natural rhythm and melody, something incredibly difficult to achieve in either poetry or song. And to "hear" it, all you have to do is repeat those words, in sequence, even in your own head, as a plain sentence. That's genius, folks, and those who can't recognize it have neither taste nor an opinion worth listening to.

  And to those (I'm looking at you, Sally Wolfsbain or whatever your lycanthropic handle is) who would chide Dylan for doing a Victoria's Secret commercial and "selling out" (gee, where have we heard that phrase before in relation to Dylan? Hmmm...) "The Times They Are A Changin'" to a bank commercial, I say "Grow up."

  I'm sure the Victoria's Secret commercial was a goof designed specifically by Dylan to piss off people just like you. And that legendary anthem is completely and utterly meaningless in the modern era, something I think Dylan knows better than the rest of us.

  In fact, it would be a giant ha-ha if Dylan officially changed the lyric to "The Times They WERE A Changin', So Will Y'all Just Get the Fuck Over It Please? Thanks!"

  And thank YOU, and goodnight!

  —Mister Marker Read Mister Marker's other letters
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