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Saturday, June 9, 2007 12:00 AM

Paris isn't free -- and neither are we

Paris Hilton's strange celebrity hits a new nadir after Friday's chaotic perp walk. Will we ever be free from her now?

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  • Saturday, June 9, 2007 09:54 AM

    Procreation not Promiscuity

    Your celebrity status in this market is tied to procreation. The Christian Fundamentalists have put their influence on us all. In a former age celebrities like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford tried to conceal their family life. (They weren't very good parents, because they just didn't make the kind of money they do now.) In those days it was promiscuity, not procreation that kept your name in the gossip columns.

    The rush to either procreate or adopt has left former celebrities like Madonna out in the celebrity cold. If you can solve two pressing issues in one trip you get extra points, like adopting a poor African child. Mulitasking goals is what got our President celebrity in trouble, he thought he could overthrow a dictator, capture some terrorists, and open the oil spigot, all by the single act of invading Iraq. Multitasking goals is another issue altogether.

    Anna Nichol understood the importance of motherhood to her celebrity status. Bragelina understands this. THe Vice Presidents' daughter understands this. (Incidentally if you are gay the press won't even refer to the biological father, or the fact that such a person exists, the power of child birth is sacrosanct, so that none dare wonder how the seed got there in the first place.) Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton will figure it out. And certainly with her wealth, she will never have to change a diaper. Hollywood producers who come up with films like "Knocked Up", know this. The royal family has always known this, having bred racehorses and stuff for centuries.

    Paris needs her own TV reality show, find a baby for Paris. Imagine the long searches through the sperm banks, the night clubs, looking for the next Larry Birkheart. By the way did anyone really think that the biological father was going to turn out to be Stern, the beady eyed lawyer, instead of the boyish Birkheart?

    Now Paris, the road lies ahead of you. Should she call her child Amsterdam if it's a boy, and Vienna if it's a girl?

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