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• Monday, July 31, 2006 08:39 PM

  A Million Little Pieces of Mel

  Hong Kong Based writer Yahuda Bangs obtained this copy of a statement written by Mel Gibson during his brief incarceration in an LA County jail following his recent arrest for drunk driving. The document, written in Aramaic on toilet paper, provides a fascinating insight into the mind of the troubled Hollywood star on the night of the incident.

  ...I was somewhere between my eighteenth and twenty-second vodka tonic when I saw the flashing lights in the rearview mirror. They were blinking from point to point. I didn’t even need to take my travel copy of “protocols” from the glove box to see it was a Star of David. They were after me again.

  There were six of them, all hook nosed and greasy pored. They were closing in fast. It reminded me of that scene in Road Warrior, with the motorcycle punks. One of them was a fag, the handsome blonde one. He took a shot at me with a crossbow but missed. God damned homosexuals. I could have taken the shot. I wasn’t scared then or now. I saw the kike cop’s beady eyes staring at me through the window, so I asked the lord for guidance. “Be a man,” the lord said. “Be a man.” So I slugged down my sixteenth shot of Absolute straight out of the bottle and got out of the car. The Jew called me /Mr. Gibson/, real polite like, then asked me to put down my bible. Leave it to a Jew to try to separate a man from the lord. I wasn’t even holding a bible. Damned Christ-killer!

  The other cops started to circle around the car, so I let them all have a blast from the old Mel hole. I invited the yids to a little man-to-man action, but they acted like they didn’t understand men. Typical Jews, resorting to egghead tricks when the chips are down. I think one of them might have mentioned liking "Ransom." I baited them a bit more, telling them what my pa says about the “holocaust”. This always sets them off. The Jews have always hated my pa. I wanted to put pa in The Patriot, but the studio wouldn’t let me. God damned Christ Killers and their money. One of the cops said he liked Braveheart, then he asked me if I was speaking Mexican. I took another slug of Jack then took a swing at his greasy beak…

  …Toilet paper runs out

  —Yahuda Bangs
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