Wow , not sure if this letter should be to Cary or the LW. Cary- I missed you over the holidays. I kept peeking at Salon's front page to see if you were back. seems lke you might have had a rough holiday .And you're right, we do seem to be bundles of metamorphesis- half one thing at the same time we're changing into somethng else entirely and yet never really being whole anythings.

Its okay though as long as we willing to let that gone part drop away and recognize that our new self is just another jacket that is appropriate for the occasion we are becoming. And that "maturity" is when we will never again be able to fool ourselves that there is that certainty we imagined as children- that if we just learn how to do things the right way we can stay upright, not only upright but actually traveling in some kind of linear progression.Instead aren't we all drunkards falling and getting up to try again to go who knows where, until finally one time we don't.

And that because we are all doing it at different speeds its very rare that we're actual able to communicate with the other drunkards who might happen to be upright not only at the same time, but in our vicinity and they just happen to speak the same language we do.

Dear LW -its the only choice we have - to keep trying to communicate - no matter how matter how many times it takes - we need to somehow pierce the drunkeness we are all afflicted with -the drunkenness of imagining we are seperate selves so we can tell tell each other -

I SEE YOU and IT IS GOOD

You wrote in your very touching, honest and introspective article

"My father taught me to take risks, to accumulate wealth. He said it didn't matter how I did it. But this was after 40 members of his family were killed in Auschwitz and his motto became, "God abandoned us. There is no such thing as morality, and it's every man for himself."

The sad part is how so many jewish people are wringing their hands about "their" Madoff while "their " Isreal is busy squandering the future of not only jewish and palestinian children but the future of peace in the world,probably using the same motto .

thru Pampolona at the running of the bulls.. Cary -you captured it exquisitely

Maintaining virginity AND being dominated are mutually exclusive

And I think we all know which will be the loser.

maybe try a female spanker

although you have been lucky with men SO FAR does not suggest that all women will be. And many women are raped not because they "do something stupid" but because they were unlucky. How stupid do you have to be to have someone break into your house and rape you or have an acquaintence that you've known for months rape you.Or even a relative.? Thats how stupid a woman has to be .

You are the stupid one .But please, must you encourage someone else to point a gun at their head and pull the trigger ?

Because rape and violence are common and practically epidemic for women ( 1 out of 4, )in everdaydy life a virgin seeking to stay a virgin at the same time she's wanting a spanking is looking for some possible serious repurcussions.

Ever heard the words better safe than sorry?

You have no idea how true those words are until your life has been irrevocably changed by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

so thats what this is about?

Get a grip and give the man some respect for his apropriate handling of the situation.

Believe it or not its not all about your need for adulation.At least one other person recognizes there's a third party involved.

if he hadn't lost his job just as soon as you started your official life together. Its such a marker of a new future attendant with the intent to get started in building a life together. Talk about a bad omen.

Years of commitment thru thick and thin might have provided a little more trust in the outcome.

This happened to me once, the person who had a job lost it as soon as we moved in together. and wasn't able to get it together for several months. Of course I felt like I had overlooked some important character component and had deluded myself about who they really were in the throes of romance. A lot of my blame fell on myself for being so unable to make good character judgements and I also viewed them as someone who had possibly set me up in a trap.I guess thats the claustrophobia part you spoke of. Glad to hear it worked out for you

(it didn't for me, but then we weren't married)

you shouldn't be too hard yourself for not being that sure of someone you really didn't know as well as you do now.

Keg bot- kudos on recognizing the real problem

Mr Mor - Sorry about what happened -perhaps if you see your wife as a sick person it won't be so painful. Tremendous financial insecurity combined with fear of work is a kind of paralysis.. What sane person would choose them?

Winstonian - no one should have to live with those kind of feelings for more than a few hours, much less years. Please see a therapist and try to see where you are stuck. You deserve to feel better.