Letters to the Editor
Rowyna
Published Letters: 105 Editor's Choice: 36
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he needs to take care of himself
[Read the article: We moved, and now my husband is miserable]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Ever watch the original Clerks movie? I think the quote was "sh*t or get off the pot". Its exactly what your husband needs to do. Stop bitching about his life and blaming you for his misery, and step up to the plate to take care of things himself.
He's obviously convinced that he's some sort of victim of life, and there's nothing he can do about it but bitch about it to you. Don't take it! Don't throw your happiness away because he isn't happy. You can't make him happy by moving, the only thing that will make him happy is himself.
We all go through negative phases, and hate our life choices. How many times do we all wish we had studied something else/gone overseas/said hi to that guy on the bus... etc etc? But you can't go back, you can only go forward. Your husband doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and is stuck instead looking backwards and blaming you for his lack of momentum.
He's got to do things for himself, and you moving won't help him. You can encourage him to do something else (look for a new job, take up a new hobby, start a new course) but in the end, he's the one who has to do it. I know how hard it can be because my partner just went through something similar, but eventually I told him that I couldn't take his complaining anymore and to DO something about it.
I can sympathise with someone who is miserable, but is trying their damndest to change their situation, and just happens to be hitting lots of roadblocks (eg applied for jobs, not getting any). But I've got zero sympathy for someone who isn't really tying to change the circumstances that are making them miserable... even less sympathy for someone who insists on blaming their self-made misery on someone else.
So... tell him... sh*t or get off the pot.
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division of labour
[Read the article: Keeping men out of the kitchen?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My partner and I have a pretty simple system -- I cook, he does the dishes (and we don't have a dishwasher, so this is almost a fair tradeoff... especially when we order take away... he still does the dishes!) It works out best for us because I have more cooking creativity, whereas he just kind of lacks that (eg when I ask him to cook dinner, I have to tell him what to cook, otherwise he frets). Thats our system (wouldn't work for everyone). I'd like to think we'd stick to it on the Holidays.
Maybe more families should do that? The cooks can cook (regardless of gender) and the people who didn't cook (including any children over 12) can do the clean-up. Fon't try that old chestnut and tell me an man is so incapable that he can't do dishes. Thats nonsense. A 12 year old can do dishes/dry dishes/put things away. In my family everyone always pitched in, in a way that suited their abilities.
Women may be the better cooks because thats how they were brought up, but thats no exuse for me to laze about all day on Thanksgiving!
I've also noticed a lot of women who don't get their husbands/BFs to do things because those clueless men just don't do things as well as we do... to which I say, if that's your attitude, you'll end up doing everything for everyone. Be less of a perfectionist, and give the people you want to help out good clear directions on what you want them to do! (No one, male or female, is a mindreader).
I think women will find that a lot of guys are happy to help out and be involved, so long as they aren't dealing with constant citicism that they didn't stack the dishes the 'right' way!
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definition of 'spanking'
[Read the article: To spank or not to spank?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It'd be nice to get an actual definition of what 'spanking' means.
In the household I grew up in (and I would guess the households of many) it meant a short slap to the bum. I'll never forget the one time my Aunt (who I still, at the age of 25, have a dislike of) slapped me across the face. A slap across the face was NOT in my definition, or what my parents would ever define. I was so shocked and uncertain (probably about age 10 at the time) that it wasn't until I was 18 that I ever told my parents about it (I think it gave me an understanding, albeit a small one, of the confusion and hardship faced by children who are actually abused in coming forward.)
So, when we talk about banning 'spanking' people automatically assume you're talking about the light smacks to the bum. They don't realise you might mean a cruelly thoughtout attack on a 12 year-old, involving hitting him 36 times with a weapon. (at least thats how that reads to me). I think greater legal definition of what our society/states considers to be child abuse/violence against children vs a light 'slap'. I would think that the use of a weapon (be it a belt, paddle, whip, whatever) should be out. As should hitting in excess of once. As should hitting in excess of 7 times per week. If you need to hit your child more than once a day, you're not fit to be a parent -- I don't care how difficult your children are.
And don't think that kids don't remember and don't know fear. I still remember when my Aunt smacked me hard across the face (it didn't leave a mark), and I remember my fear and confusion. A 10 year-old isn't an adult, and doesn't know what to do about that. The state should protect them.
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@captcrisis
[Read the article: To spank or not to spank?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You know, in a lot of other cultures its acceptable to beat your wife as well (to 'keep her in line'). Thankfully the law in America has been changed to make it a crime.
Just because you come from a specific ethnic/cultural background doesn't mean its OK to beat your wife, nor should it make it OK to beat your kids.