Dearest LW,

As others have mentioned, your husband is quite likely (and in my mind, most certainly) GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Gay, gay, gay, gay, queer as a three dollar bill, will and grace GAY. There IS a reason he has never "owned" his sexuality. Chances are good it has nothing to do with you. And he cannot stand that he is not what he wants to be, and so he finds ways to make it your fault. Been there, done that, got out by the grace of God and lived to tell about it. I totally agree with the poster who intimated that the bar story most likely took place in some form, but with a man.

I am also guessing that he knows that his recitation of this bizarre little bar tryst to his friends is deeply embarrassing to you: that's why he did it. It's a means of manipulation and control. But something tells me that his "friends" either never heard it, or don't buy it either. Of all the letters in response to Cary's post, this freaky bar story is mentioned most: it is, quite simply, LUDICROUS. But enough of a grain of truth for hubby to feel good about telling it, which is sick in and of itself.

One of the letters mentioned that you would be rewarded by a look into narcissistic personality disorder, and yet another pointed out how his extreme behavior (bar story, lack of normal human kindness) is a way to push you into dumping him; I totally agree with both. I can definitely see personality disorder behavior here, in the lies, the coldness, the push-pull, all of it. You offer intimacy and he responds by throwing a fit in the kitchen and speeding off.

LW, you are clearly a Good Person, in that you take this marriage seriously and keep trying, keep hoping, even as his behavior becomes more extreme and the situation more hopeless. It is my fear, however, that in your reluctance to name your husband as not who you thought he was -- a victimizer, dishonest and cruel -- that you will keep trying to make it work, keep pouring yourself into this black hole, until there is nothing left of YOU. Please don't do that.

He is who and what he is. He's made his decisions. You can't change them and you can't change him. The only thing left is for YOU to go be who and what you are, loving and being loved, healing and learning with the rest of your days. If you both stay in this pit, you both die. If you get out while you still have a soul, only one dies. You can't change his mind, or him, or convince him of your value. You can only leave him where he wants to stay, or stay with him and die too. Please don't.

Best wishes and many blessings to you!

-- Interrobang

P.S. Don't let him know you're leaving until you've looked into narcissistic/borderline personality disorders. This is REALLY, REALLY important. Not a clue to him. If he is NPD or BPD, you need to know how to get out with a minimum of punishment -- and even if he's not, it's good to know how to deal with the extreme emotional behavior in such a way that you don't keep getting sucked in and hurt by it.

Anonymous wrote:

The fact that this woman's parents are seeking out her children when she is not there is PROOF that they are not good for these children. If they were, they would not do this. They would not seek out her children without her permission and blessing.

If I were her, I would do everything I could to prevent it.

Totally, completely 100% agreed. In fact, out of the entire letter and its response, this is what stuck out to me, because in my mind, without honesty there can be no relationship, only the facsimile of one. Less filling, tastes great, but *damned* expensive in the long run.

These grandparents are not trustworthy. I liked the response of one writer who suggested that very occasional and subtly supervised visits might be a good idea, but how that can happen when the LW still sees her parents in control of the situation (an illusion they seem to be working very hard at maintaining) is beyond me.

These are HER children. If she does not believe herself in control of their welfare she will be unable to access the courage and strength and will to use the resources available to her, like calling the police in -- something I would not hesitate to do if someone were trying to see my kids without my knowledge or permission. Who cares if it's family? It's creepy as hell, and it's WRONG. First, control the situation, *then* grant access to the kids as LW sees fit. Anything less just keeps these unhealthy grandparents in charge and rewards them for their manipulation.

P.S. Lay off Cary. Yeah, it was a bizarre response -- but also transparent, humble, and vulnerable. I may not have liked his response, but I most certainly liked his soul.

With phrases like "the Cool Whip-wielding nightmare that is Sandra Lee" (agreed, BTW), "culinary reach-around" and the obligatory reference to the antichrist, Mary Elizabeth Williams has written a most delicious article. Beyond the fact that I agree with the author on most points -- I like Rachael Ray and her cooking, but can't watch her anymore because my brane can't process the mania -- this article had me giggling, which is just merry goodness all by itself. Thanks for a most delightful read!