Letters to the Editor
Anonymust
Published Letters: 1976 Editor's Choice: 74
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re: anonymous response to "letter writer below"
[Read the article: The silent treatment]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"Listen, I know from passive-aggressive, and sometimes it's not as hostile, manipulative, and controlling as you imagine or the book says. Sometimes it's just the only way in which someone knows how to deal with anger."
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In fact, the author of the book I cited also writes that passive-aggressive men often do not know how they feel, and he goes into a lot of detail on the why's, etc. I chose those snippets because they seemed to speak, dramatically, to the LW's case, while still keeping my own letter to a reasonable length. They were just a snapshot, though, from the book.
Also, the author is not writing about those of us who in our daily lives will exhibit passive-aggressive behavior on occasion, but, rather, about the person for whom it is a consistent and pervasive pattern that he uses to control everything and everyone. That was the kind of behavior the LW seemed to be writing about... from my perspective. "Minefields?" It can certainly feel like that-- until you learn how not to play into it his hand.
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maybe a REAL military cutback?
[Read the article: The best democracy money can buy]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"We are not going to invest the resources of the American people into forces run by people who are sectarian."
Maybe, just maybe, this is a hint that they will no longer be supporting our own forces, which are, after all run by people who are sectarian?
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Perhaps a Moderator from Salon...
[Read the article: All my lovers are from the loony bin!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I also would prefer that others not take the bait, but they do. Maybe this is some sort of parallel with the LW's predicament. Understandable? Yes. But necessary? No.
Just as the LW would benefit from some professional guidance, it seems pretty clear that these letter/comment threads would have benefitted from some judicious moderation, starting with eliminating No Name's first post, which offered nothing of substance or value to the discussion, but instead dragged it off into a muddy ditch for a free-for-all. Where will it all end up?
As much as I appreciate Cary's choice of letters and his imaginative responses, the comments/letters threads that follow often become a real swamp. How about offering a little civilizing influence for the rest of your readers?
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the trust question
[Read the article: All my lovers are from the loony bin!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The LW asks how she can ever trust a man again, but I read the question as how can she ever trust herself again? Cary's advice on how to approach it both in therapy and in real life sound pretty good to me.
I would only add that she try not to judge herself too harshly for trying to "master" her family's issues. We all do that, if we come from a family with "issues." It's part of what we are here to learn. The crazies, too. Perhaps they recognize in the LW-- just as the nicer, but less exciting guys do-- someone who is accepting and nonjudgmental with whom they can work on the things they are here to learn.
However, the LW appears to have contributed more than her fair share to the crazies... time to think about what's good for her. The self trust will come.
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On the other hand...
[Read the article: The happiest wives ...]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Susan T touches on my thought... that perhaps the bias, if there is any, is in not asking about men's happiness if their spouses earn more than they do. Isn't it more than just a stereotype that men who actually find themselves earning less than their spouses-- not those men who merely say they would like it-- really are not happy about earning less than their spouses?
And, if these men are not happy, wouldn't that have an impact on their spouses' happiness?
Of course, given the persistent income disparities that other readers have mentioned, doing such a study would require recruiting an awfully large sample.
Still, there have been other related studies in the news recently, and I believe one of them was about (most/many?) men's preference in marrying women who are in positions subordinate to theirs (surely a marker for a smaller income). And, certainly, the tendency of many men to marry women younger than themselves would only contribute further to this income disparity.
Yet, working women-- who are more likely than their spouses to sacrifice their own advancement, in order to care for their children, and keep the home fires burning, not to mention having the children in the first place-- must still be portrayed as being awfully materialistic, in order for men to justify their desire to work more and longer than necessary. (To be fair, Tierney does mention in passing that men actually prefer to work more. I felt I should read the column after all, if I was going to respond here, but otherwise I probably would have let it go. I can only take so much.)
Forget about Tierney's use of "should." I think I know what (many/most) women really do want-- besides the "equity" that Tierney mentions. Just some time to call their own. Without being interrupted every minute or two. For things that someone else really could have attended to. Money isn't the only resource with a gender gap; most women also have fewer discretionary hours than most men, even allowing for men's extra work hours.
A couple of lines in Harper's Index from March are revealing:
Percentage change in the amount of housework done by women after they marry for the first time : +17
Percentage change in the amount done by men : -33
In other words, men gain twice as much time as women lose-- just around the house. And the net difference is 50%. So much for equity.
Oh, and one of those other studies... it was about humor. Apparently, most men do not really value a sense of humor in their female partners, as they associate humor with being male and intelligent. Probably not income-related, but, still, I was grateful that my partner appreciates my sense of humor at least as much as my good looks.