Letters to the Editor
Published Letters: 218 Editor's Choice: 15
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So Much Projection!
[Read the article: My stepson is impossible! What's a stepmother to do?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It's hard not to, of course.
The topics of divorce, and stepparenting are so volatile, so very full of emotional landmines, that it's hard for anyone to separate their own personal feelings from them in order to make a substantive contribution to the discussion.
I don't claim to be able to do so, but I'll try.
My cred on this topic consists of
a) growing up with parents who fought, loudly and a LOT, but stayed married,
b) getting divorced from the emotionally abusive, alcoholic father of my four children when they were, respectively, 10, 8, 5, and 3.
c) becoming involved with my current husband when they were, respectively, 11, 9, 6 and 4.
So.
Guess who was THE most difficult, THE most needy and THE most overtly damaged by the divorce, and made my life hell on a regular basis until he was 17 or 18?
The one who was 8 when we divorce, my oldest son.
He treated me TERRIBLY for days on end after his dad moved out. When I started dating his stepdad, he was alternately rude and clingy to him.
Today he is a 26 year old straight A student at an academically challenging college, he is an officer of his campus psych student organization, and applying to amazing institutions for grad school, in pursuit of a career in the foreign service.
What changed? What worked, what didn't?
First and foremost, he had rules at my house, even when he chose to live with his dad. Funny, that, because for the bulk of the time he lived there, I was the parent who got his grades, who attended his events, who talked to his teachers. His dad was the volatile roommate whose rule was: don't bug me.
But that son had been led to believe by the same father that he was NEEDED, that the REASON that he'd gone back to drinking was that he was lonely and NEEDED to have him, Mr. In Charge of His Dad's Feelings, living with him to help him out.
Loving him worked, in the long run. My loving him, his siblings loving him, his grandparents and extended family loving him, and finally, even the fact that his mom's boyfriend loved him got through to him, and he started to calm down and be able to love back without so much anger.
The fact that my husband didn't move in with us for years was another thing that worked: it was always, always, OUR house. Until it became oursandhis, and still, it was OUR house.
Was it easy? My GOD, it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, letting my 13 year old, emotionally immature son, go to live in a house that I KNEW was going to be chaos. But the court system. They assume that a 13 year old knows his own mind, and isn't subject to hormonal craziness, or that a parent could POSSIBLY manipulate a 13 year old into making such a decision.
So I dealt with the excruciating pain, the fear for my son, the intense anger at his father for once AGAIN making himself the Center of the Universe. I had regularly scheduled screaming fits in my car with the windows rolled up on my drive home from work, vented like CRAZY to my boyfriend, and was absolutely determined to stay in my son's life.
I guess what I'm trying to say, LW, is that divorce hurts kids no matter what you do. And the ones who get hurt the most are frequently the ones who behave the worst in the aftermath. Your lover's son is in so much pain right now. Your instincts are good: setting limits, having consistent expectations of him at your and his father's home will do well for him.
But as so many people have pointed out, both kindly and not so kindly, you are not the issue here. You are the grown up and need to behave like one. He doesn't need to, because he ISN'T ONE.
You have received some excellent suggestions already. I'll just add one of my own, that will help in your communication with not just your stepson-to-be, but his dad and everyone else with whom you have interactions. It's a simple technique called active listening, that requires that you not only LISTEN, but attempt to mirror back to the person what you believe they are saying.
It will let the talker feel heard, and even more important, it will let him/her know that you are trying your best to understand, and any misunderstandings can be cleared up on the spot.
I suggest that you try to learn it sooner rather than later: in two years he will be significantly less inclined to talk to any adult, much less you. It's OK to disapprove of his behavior, it's OK to wish that he were more cheerful and happy. What's not OK is to expect it. Your needs are not his, and his, unfortunately for you, matter more right now. He is the child.
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so, were there no liberal guilt movies made in 2006?
[Read the article: Editor's picks 2006: A&E]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]All of these movies are from last year. What is up with that?
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It Was Fine. Who Put the Cranky in YOUR Pants, Mr. Crankypants?
[Read the article: Kevin: no longer thinks joke at his expense]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]So, a guy who WAS the butt of a joke dealt with it without hysterics, and now is lending his name to a website that uses the joke to raise money for good causes.
He is a little tilted, but the gestures? My whole family talks like that. Big deal.
Get over it: he makes the big bucks, you don't.