Letters to the Editor
Bhamwriter
Published Letters: 41 Editor's Choice: 14
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Opting out
[Read the article: Back-to-work blues for moms]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My mother experienced this back when I was a kid. She wasn't a "career" person, but she gave up her work as a bank secretary to raise me and my sister. By the time she wanted to go back to work when we were teenagers, she couldn't compete with the young, technology-savvy women available in our small university town. She never did really go back to work, other than a few short stints at Wal-Mart, a convenience store and a restaurant, and I believe if she had been able to go back to work she would be a much happer, more confident person today instead of the recluse she has become.
As for me, I realized about eight years ago that trying to have a career as a magazine editor and start a family weren't going to mesh. While there were women at my company in high-level editor positions, neither of them had family and were at the age where it was apparent they weren't going to. It was made clear to me that if I wanted to move up, I would have to travel a lot, work long hours, and forget anything like the flexibility of working at home occasionally, even though it would be more productive for writing and editing tasks.
I was lucky and found a compromise between totally opting out and staying in the rat race. I went to work as an independent contractor for a competing company where I could work at home. Today I'm a freelance writer who writes and edits for several companies, from an office in my home, and I have a beautiful 3-year-old who I don't have to put in daycare 12 hours a day. I'll probably never get back into the "career" thing. Part of me misses it, but then again, I'm not sure I could ever go back to the world of having to kowtow to a boss just to take some time off.
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Married with kids
[Read the article: I'm married with kids -- and in love with a prostitute]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My husband and I had 10 years together just the two of us before we had our adorable daughter, who's currently 3. There are times when, despite how much I love my husband and daughter, I too feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day grind of being a parent.
A prostitute isn't the answer, though. This guy should take the money he's spending on his prostitute and instead invest it in some quality time with his wife. On a regular basis, get someone to stay with the kids for a weekend while the two of you go off to a romantic spot. Set up some rules that you're not going to talk about the kids. Pretend you're on your honeymoon again. Rediscover why you got married in the first place.
Whether or not he should tell her I think depends a lot on his particular relationship with his wife. Personally, my husband and I value honesty very highly in our relationship. We don't even tell each other white lies -- if I ask him if something makes me look fat, I want to know the truth! But every relationship is different. It could provide a catalyst for the couple to make changes in their life. Maybe he'll discover that she's overwhelmed, too. But maybe it will lead to divorce, or to a marriage that's never the same again because now she can't trust him. And, of course, as other writers said, he'd better get himself tested for STDs, and if he's positive, then he doesn't have much choice but to come clean.
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Eggs on Ice
[Read the article: Will young women put their eggs on ice?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I remember an old Robert Heinlein sci-fi book where people could have their kids at a young age (when they were most fertile and easily able to bear children), then freeze them, and thaw them out later in life when they were more financially and emotionally ready to deal with parenthood. I always thought it sounded like a great idea.
As someone who had my first child in my late '30s and had to deal with being labeled "advanced maternal age," and who has a good friend in her early '40s struggling to get pregnant, this sounds promising. When I was in my '20s, I was much too interested in my career and my love life to want to be a parent, but I was pretty sure I'd want to eventually. Luckily, when we finally decided to become parents, it wasn't too late -- but it certainly could have been. I think there's finally getting to be more awareness that, despite all these stories of celebrities having kids in their '40s, there is an expiration date on women's eggs. Maybe this is one solution.
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Are any of you actually parents?
[Read the article: Dividing the man from his mother]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]For crying out loud, are any of you who are grossed out by the author describing the love between her and her son actually parents?
I'm the mother of a 3-year-old daughter, and I love the feel of her skin and the baby smell of her hair. It's a wonderful sensual experience -- NOT sexual -- sensual, like the taste of a wonderful silken dessert on your tongue. And while I'd rather her not kiss me on the mouth, that's what she sees me and her daddy do, so that's the way she thinks you're supposed to kiss. It's sweet and loving, not gross or kinky, so get over it.
Relationships with in-laws are complicated. The author is sharing her experience, being honest about something she didn't even realize she was doing at first. Maybe we all should be so honest with ourselves about things we have done that we aren't proud of. If you don't like this type of article, don't read it. There's plenty of great stuff on Salon for everyone.