Cary’s advice was right on. It’s the way we live now. It just is. Most people establish their own social networks, and they either do or do not include neighbors nowadays – mostly they include people who are good company. Just as I would not invite “drunken, abusive Uncle Ed” to Thanksgiving simply because he’s my uncle, I feel no obligation to interact with my neighbors unless I like them and they meet me halfway. Am I mean? Perhaps. Am I better off? I believe so. Today most people live in the style they believe works best for themselves and interact with those who, ipso facto, agree. If, for instance, the religious fundamentalists across the street can’t help but show up with a handful of Chick Tracts and constantly proselytize, they don’t get an invitation to my backyard barbeque. If they asked why, I’m actually the sort to tell them. Chances are they wouldn’t feel a loss at the lack of future invitations.

I own a small bungalow home in an urban neighborhood. The houses are separated by driveways, and the backyards connect. Many neighbors come and go, and a few of the older ones have died in the five years I’ve been here. I don’t know if Miss Manners would think me crass, but here are the basics I believe fit modern life, and keep me regret-free. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.:

Do: send a card. Nothing flashy, overly-poetic, or syrupy is required. You can send it to “The Family of …” at the address where she lived if you can’t discover any other appropriate place in the obituary, etc. Someone is dealing with her mail, so they’ll get it.

Do: try at minimum to establish a “wave and hello” with various other neighbors. No matter the setting in which you live, it’s always good to know if the person in the stocking cap and black turtleneck who is next-door carrying out a plasma-screen TV is a guy you’ve seen before, or rather might need to be of concern. (and for godsake, if you suspect a crime is being committed, don’t wonder whether YOU should call the cops. The answer is YES: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kitty_Genovese)

Do: bake or buy something yummy for the next people who move in, about a week or so later. Include a very non-committal “just want to say hello so you know who we are” note. Smile, be polite, see what they look like, and have an excuse to leave comfortably quickly if you need one… (left the iron on or some such) Then, as the saying goes, the ball is in their court.

Do: take your cues from other neighbors and the overall tone of the neighborhood. If they’re all warm and fuzzy with morning coffee klatches, etc., consider accepting invitations and making them once in a while. If not, chances are they’re not into the idea either. No need for YOU to be the neighborhood savior.

Don’t: beat yourself up for not making more overtures than your former neighbor did throughout the time she was capable, or making special efforts just because she was ill. Near-strangers who showed up when my Grandmother was dying, only to disappear again, were/are still regarded as phonies racking up self-serving brownie points.

Don’t: send a casserole. Yes, casseroles are lovely. Chances are, however, that the family is being inundated with casseroles, and they don’t feel like eating, anyway. It’ll just be one more for the garbage man.

Don’t: feel the need to say more than “Sorry for your loss” if you encounter your neighbor’s various associates as they are cleaning out her place, etc. (Don’t assume they are family. They might be friends from church, etc.) Cliché sympathy phrases exist in our culture for a reason: trying to say more original things usually results in awkwardly having to expound on what you’ve said until it circles back to “Sorry for your loss” anyway.

Don’t: offer to assist if you’re pretty sure you don’t really mean it, will hate every minute of it, or can’t really do it.