As you can tell by the letters, this is an area of universal sympathy and empathy. My condolences as well.

I lost both of my parents in quick succession about 5 years ago. It still hurts. There is still a hole. It does not matter how old you are. It will always profoundly hurt.

As Cary so well states, it is palpable.

As others say, over time you become accustomed to it. Death is a great mystery to all of our existence. It is beyond words. It seems to me something that we cannot ever really understand, but each of us has to deal with, and deal with in our own time. The healing is a mystery, too. But is will come. I would like to think that death of someone so close to us informs us as to how to live. It heightens and focuses our consciousness. Death is the ultimate giver of perspective. It tells us what is important. It helps us find the love in our lives.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Great letter. Seems to bring up a lot of deep stuff from those commenting on it. I do not know the answer, but had a couple of thoughts, based on "how I was raised," which seem rational and might be useful.

First, I agree with the writer that said do not buy a pistol and buy the gun cabinet first. My Father told me, and I believe it is true, that a pistol is a fundamentally item than a rifle or shot gun. Not only does it have fewer non-person killing purposes in the first inistance, it is just too easy to point a pistol in the wrong direction and accidently shoot someone or shoot yourself. People have great difficulty treating a pistol with all the respect it requires. Folks that would never point a shot gun at another person, find it easier to point a pistol, in play, by accident, or whatver. It is also just too easy to pick up and fire a pistol in anger or fear, or press it against one's own temple in despair. The original writer's reference to carrying a pistol around making one too confident or too defensive, rings true. I am pretty neutral on gun control, but I could see banning all handguns. Also, buy that gun cabinet so that you will have it and use it. It is part of respecting the gun.

Second, why rush out and do anything at age 21? This does seem a little over anxious to own a gun.

Third, a feeling of being drawn to military arms does not sound good psychologically. I own no guns whatsoever. Partly, it seems like an expense to buy them and a hassle to make sure I am keeping them properly maintained and, importantly, stored. My kids are older now, but I would not want them around younger kids. Even if I was being very careful, which I would be, it seems like something else to have to worry about. But, I do like to shoot skeet/trap, and would not mind owning a decent shotgun. And I could see having a 22 rifle for "target practice." I have gone deer hunting, an entirely other story, so on some level I could see owing a high powered rifle. A "black powder" something or other sounds sort of fun, too. All of these are sort of like owning golf clubs. I do not use them much, but it is kind of fun to have my own, if I do want to use them and I kind of like owning things.

But, I would question my internal dialogue and feelings a lot more if I suddenly craved an AK-47. Whether or not it is legal to own an assault rifle, it would carry a whole different karma, and I agree with Cary's response as to that kind of gun. Of course, I do that in the knowledge that a 12 gauge is going to provide all the home protection anyone needs, and a deer rifle would pretty much do anything that needed done, if the apocalypse came.

Bravo, Cary. Advice seems perfect this time around. I would think that the criminal justice professional is correct, and that this kind of scenario happens frequently enough. And when people talk about "co-dependency" and "enabling," this is exactly what they are talking about.

And whether or not the brother is a direct physical threat to the kids, he threatens to bring down the entire nuclear family. The writer's first loyalty has to be to what is her own family now. Sure, it is approapriate to have some loyalty to a brother, but co-dependency issues of whether you are actually helping him aside, it is an issue of triage. You have to protect your own family before you go trying to save someone in the extended family.

The ACOA stuff sounds right, too.

I think Cary's advice is spot on. Cut it off, and get some distance or you will not be helping anyone. This is a hard thing to do, but what to do is not hard to figure out. It is absolutely clear-cut.

Best of luck.