I thought Cary's answer was brilliant, but then I started reading the letters from readers, and now I feel confused. I guess my take on this is that Cary is probably exactly right about what this guy is feeling, thinking, etc., and why. I am a guy, and I think Cary pretty much hits the nail on the head. However, that does not quite translate to the guy really wants and "needs" the writer. Sure he would probably be much better off personally to have her support, particularly her support as informed by Cary. And I suppose it could be seen as a very kind and spiritually developmental thing to do for the writer. I take it we are pretty far along with this lung cancer, and are talking a months rather than a years long process. It does not sound like the writer can drop everything this instant and dive back into grad school anyway. But, however much you love the guy, I would tend to think of this as something that is not necessarily leading to a permanent relationship with him. It is a nice thing to do to stay for a bit and to be there for him to help him through this, unless he really does insist on throwing you out after awhile. (I am somewhat familiar with Irish family dynamics and personalities myself. I am not sure that anything that happened would surprise me.) Certainly, if we were both happily living in the States, and you thought this relationship was not likely to make it over the long-term, you would not necessarily pick this particular time to break things off. Probably worth some discussion between the two of you, if you think you can have a reasonable conversation about it.

But at base, like others, I think it would be foolish to the maximum not to leave a job and place you do not like, and a boyfriend you are not sure is the be all to end all for you, for a full-boat grad school scholarship in something you think you will love.

Also, perhaps I will come across as cruel--I do not mean to be--but Mothers die. Each and every one of them. I have been there. No matter at what age it happens, it is very painful, exceedingly hard to accept, and it takes a long time to get over, if one ever really gets over it. And it is a potentially self changing experience. No doubt that it is somewhat easier to go through a Mother's dead surrounded by great unconditional love and even care-giving. But it is not an end of the world event, and most people seem to make it through okay.

For that matter, boyfriends, even great ones that you may love, have a tendency to come and go, until one is really ready to settle down, get married, have kids, etc. I hear absolutely nothing in the letter to Carey that suggests the writer is ready to settle down given that grad school beckons. Often it is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and won. Boyfriends to some extent should be by nature temporary. Grad school is forever. It seems clear to me that the writer would be selling her life short if she did not go for the grad school in fairly short order.

I read nothing in Cary's advice that means she should not fairly soon get the hell out of Ireland and into grad school.

For goodness sake she should be very careful not to get pregnant in Ireland, and fall for some crazy anti-abortion stuff over there, and really cut her life opportunities short.

Anyone that has read this far, sorry for the length of this. I did not have time to edit it back as it should be!

I would not necessarily have thought so when a read it, but what a great letter. It really seems to bring out some sharp differences of opinion.

I think I pretty much agree with Neil, especially his "sex as a weapon" entry. I am pretty much all for folks doing what they want to do sexually as long as it does not adversely affect me. But when my sister comes to live with me for two months and the one thing I ask her to do is to stay away from my roommate, who for whatever bad, good, or even uncontrovertible reasons I think is a shit to women, and she agrees, yet, even though she does not like him she flirts with him, then gets loaded and fucks him--at first hoping to keep this their "dirty little secret"--and then "dates" the guy for the remainder of the time she is staying with me, that might well feel like a pretty big "dis" and a pretty big betrayal to me, and one I am forced to be constantly reminded of as long as I live with a roommate I do not like anyway. Whatever the back story, sure does not seem like a very loving thing to do toward me by my beloved sister. She apparently intentionally, and even consciously or unconsciously maliciously, disturbs whatever peace I had in my own home. So, yeah, regardless of the sexual elements, that might hurt my feelings quite a bit.

But I would say that Cary is right that the first and best thing to do is to try to try to heal the relationship between brother and sister.