Letters to the Editor
mishy
Published Letters: 2 Editor's Choice: 1
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Career Ambivalence Does Not Equal Career Abandonment
[Read the article: Feminism vs. femininity]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I found myself nodding in agreement with Kipnis' characterization of "ambivalence" as the defining condition of modern womanhood. Finally, I thought, a feminist who isn't a polemicist that is too busy blaming other women for not doing things the "right" way; someone who can add value to the discussion by defining the problem itself.
But then of course I read the part about how "those young, Ivy-League women who are now abandoning the career track to be stay-home moms" were finally put in their place by Kipnis who stated: "Somehow, as highly educated as these girls are, they don't seem to have heard about the 50 percent divorce rate! Somehow, they imagine that their husbands' incomes -- and loyalties -- come with lifetime guarantees, thus no contingency plans for self-sufficiency will prove necessary ... "
I bristled at this. First, because I am a 27 year-old Ivy League graduate and practicing attorney who recently married, took my husband's name (gasp!), and contemplates having children at some point during the next 5 years. (As an aside, I am quite defensive about my name change because I find myself constantly under attack from other feminists, who liken me to a gun-toting pacifist, like I violated some strict "code" of feminism.) I regularly find myself caught up in lengthy discussions with other "highly educated" females about the dilemma of choosing to leave the career track to stay at home with children for any length of time. Apparently we all must be delusional since any rational highly educated woman would recognize that staying at home equated blind faith in our husbands and death to our careers forevermore.
It seems to me that Kipnis is missing her own point. Doesn't her whole thesis revolve around modern woman's "ambivalence" between our recently-adopted feminist strides and our "inner woman" who perhaps longs for nesting with her infant? How then does Kipnis conflate the 50% divorce rate/supposed fantasy as to our husbands' incomes and loyalties with this inner ambivalence to working vs. motherhood?
Additionally, even if I or other "highly-educated" females were to choose to stay home with the kids, how is it that we would be left without a "contingency plan?" I find that my ivy league diploma and law degree provide me with a high degree of self-sufficiency, along with the luxury of choosing to perhaps stay home for a few years since my credentials are so marketable. Whereas if I were not so highly educated, perhaps I would have reservations about "abandoning" the workplace.
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Not Responsive to the Question Posed
[Read the article: Dealing marijuana put me through college but ruined my relationship]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary, I love you to death, but this answer leaves something to be desired. Your answers are usually so insightful, nonjudgmental, and really cut to the heart of a LW's issue. However, here, the LW asks about trying to salvage his relationship with the ex-girlfriend and you spend the majority of your answer providing career advice.
LW, you say you broke up with her after you freaked out over her snooping. It sounds like you two deserve each other: you were living a double life and being extremely secretive; she became increasingly suspicious and started snooping. You have to admit you probably have a tendency to be paranoid what with being a long-term drug dealer (and pot smoker?), which probably caused you to freak out more than was warranted for her snooping. You then go on to say that you came to your senses after your initial reaction, and now have told her everything and want to be with her.
The hardest part I'm sure is the realization that you might have sacrificed a good thing with this woman because of your own insecurities about trusting her initially. Sure, it was a function of the illegal nature of your profession, but we all make choices. At the time, making money to fund your college education was a higher priority than being able to be truly intimate in a relationship. Which leads me to my next question for you - can the relationship be as fabulous as your hindsight makes it out to be if you were hiding such an integral part of your life from her? This is the question she is pondering right now. You have made her feel like a fool; she thought she knew you.
I would say give it some time to sink in. Can you blame her for being a little distant after your confession? However, I'm guessing that this did not come *completely* out of the blue for her, and that she knew of and/or shares your affinity for smoking the pot, if not dealing it. So she may get over it after all. All you can do is keep reaching out to her, apologizing profusely, explaining that you weren't sure you were able to trust her but you realize now what a fool you were for not sharing all that you are with her earlier in your relationship. You are the same person she knew and loved, minus this one aspect.
So give it another couple months, reaching out to her a couple times a week via email and phone just to let her know you're thinking of her and are there if she wants to talk. If she can't come to terms with all of this by three months out, start to move on.