Letters to the Editor
Published Letters: 151 Editor's Choice: 9
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To me, this seems like typical behavior of an addict
[Read the article: My business trip ended with me in four-point restraints!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Taking mountains of pills to "prepare" for something? Being arrested for something you don't even remember doing?
You need to think about your life and your well-being and your "need" for all these drugs. You normally don't drink but you always drink before a flight? There's another chemical dependency.
Clearly your anxiety has built up, due to a combination of outside influences and your own internal reinforcement, to a level where it seems insurmountable. I think you owe it to yourself to find a way to surmount it through healthy, rather than unhealthy, behaviors. You need to get out of this job, and if your marriage is causing you additional stress (hard to tell), then you need to deal with that as well.
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You say your therapist says you're doing the right things...
[Read the article: Why can't I find a relationship that will last?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]That sounds a bit dangerous to me. What if your therapist is completely wrong?
I'm not saying this because I'm anti-therapy; I've been in it myself and I think it's just about the greatest thing in the world. No, I'm saying it because it sounds like you don't have any faith or trust in your own instincts and beliefs. And that right there is one of the problems that no amount of therapy can solve. Your therapist is not there to think for you. He/she is there to give you the space to figure out what's right and true for yourself. And after that, it's up to no one but you to synthesize those ideas into a philosophy that works for you.
You've had some bad luck with relationships. Everyone does at some point. But I feel like you keep hoping that the right person will come along and be exactly right for you without your having to do any of the work in evaluating his personality and psyche. And that's not how life works. You said that in your relationship with first long-term boyfriend, there were a number of warning signs that you ignored. Did you learn to look out for those? Or do you keep ignoring the same ones? It's not unusual to disregard bad traits in people out of the fear of being alone if you leave them. People everywhere are doing this right now. I would hazard a guess that at least 30-40% of marriages result from that type of behavior. I hate to say it, but that could very well be where you end up if you don't learn to do the work yourself rather than rely on your therapist.
The opening stages of a relationship are an enjoyable time, and you should absolutely enjoy them. But they're also the most important time to be ultra-observant about the signals your partner is giving off. Those signals are always there, unless the person is actively trying to hide them, and the hiding is a signal in itself (i.e., what topics do they go to great lengths to avoid discussing, etc.). This is the stage where you go by one of the few useful things Ronald Reagan ever said: "Trust, but verify." The more you learn about your partner, the more you can let your own guard down and just bask in the joy of the relationship, and that's a wonderful thing -- but, again, only if you do the work. So go out there, have fun, do the work, and while you're at it, do yourself a favor and see what it's like to make some of your own assessments without the help of a therapist.
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@Pretty Lady
[Read the article: Why can't I find a relationship that will last?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]With due respect, I don't think that saying "THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT" is helpful here. Except in the most extreme and unpredictable of cases, we all have a stake in what happens to us and are, to some degree, responsible for it. If we can't examine the choices we've made in the past and think about how they might have affected the related events, then we're all destined to relive the same undesirable outcomes over and over again.
I also think it's naive and hypocritical to essentially discount talk therapy as quackery at the same time as you trumpet the cure-all virtues of yoga, reiki, etc. All of these things can be helpful, but none of them will be without appropriate self-reflection on behalf of the LW as to how she can make more informed and beneficial choices in the future.
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Enjoy the ride...
[Read the article: I went to L.A. to work in film and just got yelled at]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I also moved to California at age 22 to work in film and TV. I also got my ass kicked doing so. But almost 8 years later I'm still here, and loving it. (Although I don't work in film/TV anymore, at least not during the day; I'm in a calmer non-industry job that gives me time and energy to work on screenwriting in my off hours, which is my real dream.)
Your life is not supposed to be all figured out at 24. Ten years from now, chances are that you won't be able to tolerate the level of uncertainty you have right now, so enjoy it while you can. Embrace the fact that you have no idea what you'll be doing three or six months from now. Date whomever you want. (Just don't expect to marry this Jewish guy, because he'll never go against his parents' wishes for you. Just trust me. He won't. I have many Jewish friends who will back me up on this one.) Gather as many experiences as you can. People with a relentlessly singular focus on one specific goal tend to miss out on a lot of what life has to offer. Because a lot of what life has to offer is found by accident.
So, pick something to do, anything, doesn't matter what, and don't worry too much about where it leads you. You want to backpack in Asia, do that now because it'll be tough to do when you're 40. Just enjoy the ride.