My mother used to go bonkers - completely, madly bonkers - in the month before Christmas. She held down a challenging career, was president of the Junior Women's Club, PTA and whatever else, and STILL insisted on the full-on decorating, baking, singing, making holiday outfits, light-gazing, house-scouring craziness. Oh, and a color-coordinated tree (OMFG, the year she went 'calico Christmas' - a NIGHTMARE). And she was a raging, nasty bitch the entire time because she was fucking exhausted! She'd scream "I'm doing this to make it perfect for you!"

We didn't want perfection. We just wanted to kick back with a cookie or two and open gifts under an imperfectly decorated tree.

She's calmed down a great deal, but every four years my parents host the ginormous Catholic-family Christmas Eve extravaganza. About 20 years ago we started taking bets on the exact time Mom will have a dish-throwing meltdown in the kitchen because what is immediately happening is not coordinating with the vision in her sugarplum head. Luckily, she gets over it quickly and someone hands her a glass of white zinfandel to help her recover her sanity. And I've won the pot the last two times! Ah, family.

>it just seems wrong that getting the U.S. to behave well should be sufficient for a peace prize.

Yeah, this is true. But the problem is, when the US misbehaves, the consequences are so dire for the rest of the world, that any step in the right direction is cause for great rejoicing and encouragement. Especially after the global consequences of the wangerrific asshattery the Bush administration unleashed when it was their turn to mind the store.

Plus, they know we like bling.

I think that's more a comment on how truly, madly disastrous the Bush administration's foreign "policy" was, and how relieved the rest of the world is that we voted someone in who is, you know, not retarded. And not stocking his cabinet with war criminals and profiteers (mostly).

We had descended to the chaotic, petty free-for-all-I-got-mine of a rogue nation who had read too many "Left Behind" novels and the lasting negative effects are currently incalculable. The election of Obama is seen by the rest of the world as first step back to sanity.

Is any of this worth reporting?

Anyone who has the brains of a retarded, whoring sea donkey knows exactly what the Fox corporation is all about. It's a bunch of assholes funding absurdist, right-wing performance art on the level of Joey Skaggs and the Gypsy Moth protest.

Sure, it fools a lot of people all of the time, but I've come to the conclusion we live in a stupid, stupid country full of stupid, stupid, lazy people (including 99% of my stupid, stupid relatives), so let 'em at it. Cognitive dissonance is the new partially hydrogenated corn syrup for this lot. They fucking crave it!

And yeah, Texas does suck. I've traveled to Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio many times on business trips and every.single.time the fucking taxi driver (almost always some white guy in either a Hawaiian or a bowling shirt) would start a racist rant before my ass hit the backseat. It would start with the sins of hip hop fashion and end, at best with "those people" stealing "my tax dollars" to "buy gold chains and chitlins"

And the things my Texan colleagues would let out in passing just blew my mind. Honestly, just...what fucking planet are you on, supposedly moderate professional person and what year are you living in? Oh, Tara and 1855? Yeah, I thought so.

It would take me about a week at home for my teeth to stop grinding at night.

God, STFU, Texas.

I can't look away from Henderson's pink featherboobs.

She's been criticized for her hair, her outfits, her "attitude" her demeanor, her work ethic, her body, her interviews...everything. According to the tennis world, this woman can't do a damned thing right except be the best female tennis player of her era, and quite possibly, ever.

This woman, who has survived the murder of her sister, and her tennis father, and injuries and the criticism of a million media scribes who slobbered all over Melanie Oudin's "girl next door-ness" and "All-American-ness" and said - actually SAID - tennis hasn't had that since Chris Evert. They compared her to Tracy Austin and Capriati and said how glad they were to see someone like that again.

First of all, I'm sure Serena is American, and I'm pretty fucking sure she had neighbors when she was growing up.

Secondly, hello? Capriati and Austin? Austin, an injury-prone might-have-been? Capriati, a family-sabotaged kid who completely lost it and dropped out of the game during what should have been her prime? What the FUCK, people!

Kim Clijsters has been lionized, if not canonized, for coming back after taking two years off to have a baby.

The Williams sisters have been relentlessly criticized for having interests 'outside tennis.' How dare they! But I guess since it's not procreating like a good little tennis girl, those things are BAD.

I used to go to the ATP tourney in Cincinnati every year, and let me tell you, I saw both male and female tennis stars behave far, far worse. Christ, McEnroe's verbal abuse put Serena's snapped one-liner into deep shade. Conners got personal, calling women line judges things I won't even repeat here. Neither of them ever got fined on the scale Serena just did and neither got fined at any tournament I attended.

Serena had a fit and yelled at a linesperson. OK, fine her and let it go. But since it's her, the media and the tennis world will never, ever let her forget that one moment. Everything she's done for both American and women's tennis (and before she and Venus appeared, the game was moribund), all those fierce, transcendent moments of gutted-out victories are nothing to this this stupid brouhaha. Shame on you, tennis.