Letters to the Editor
Brulette
Published Letters: 40 Editor's Choice: 8
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Save yourself and let it go . . .
[Read the article: What happened to all my dad's money?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Here's an idea: let it go. I know that sounds callous, cruel, even. But here's the thing: what really can you do to mend this? And more importantly, what are you willing to do to figure out and untangle the very matted web your father has weaved? Unless he is mentally incompetent, he's still an adult entitled to make his own decisions. He's decided to give all his money away. He's decided to not think of you and how this will affect you. So what do you do with that? Do you go raging through his life trying to make reparations for your father and in some ways yourself and your mother? Are you willing to immerse yourself in the anger, the bitterness, the frustration of undergoing such an investigation when you are not guaranteed that anything will be any better by the end of it, not even your rage or your father's situation?
I think it's more important that you, the LW, look at your needs right now. Things will work out. You will probably have to take care of your father one way or the other. You can accept that or not. He did raise you, right? Even if he doesn't have money now for retirement, he has given a lot to you in life, financial and otherwise, right? So what's so terrible about taking care of an aging parent? Why do Americans always want to shirk this responsibility? We are a nation of ungrateful children. I'm not saying you are trying to shirk this responsibility, but only that you are not a sucker for taking on the care of your aging father. That would make you a compassionate adult. And it seems from your letter that that's exactly who you are. And the anger is totally understandable. But I think you would be better off seeking therapy and only doing the bare minimum to help your dad with his divorce and the sale of his home (which, in California, he is entitled to half, unless his wife truly is a bloodsucker, in which case she may swindle him for crippling alimony that would drain what little assets/equity he has). Help him get an attorney. Be there for him. Other than that there's not a whole lot you can do.
Let go of the money stuff. We all need money, I know, but we need our sanity more.
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Can you really cook Sichuan?
[Read the article: The China syndrome]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't think that's an accomplishment to be dumbed down. Also, as another east bay resident, where is your favorite local place for Sichuan cuisine? I love China Village on Solano Ave. in Albany (or is that Berkeley right there? I always forget where the border is on Solano). The sesame flat breads, spicy dried beef with Chinese celery, the cumin lamb . . . now I'm hungry!
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Just Say No.
[Read the article: My husband wants a different form of eroticism ]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm going to say it so that Cary doesn't have to. The LW's husband sounds like a highly self-involved man. I know we all lose our way sometimes, and I'm not saying that he's a bad person, but he certainly seems to be living in a very self-centered universe at this time. To make such sexual demands upon his wife while she is juggling job and new baby is ludicrous, not to mention the fact that I'm sure he's aware of her experiences with molestation and how that exponentially makes his demands more burdensome.
So here's what I would suggest to the LW: tell you husband that you're not ready to explore those sexual experiences at this point in time. Like Cary said, there's just too much stress, how can you have the energy, emotionally, psychically and physically to analyze your comfort with sexual dominance and the tandem submissiveness of your husband? You can't. Not right now. You can talk about how you can't deal with it right now, but you're not closing the door. You want to be there for your husband, you don't want to shut him and his sexual fantasies, which are obviously very central to his existence right now (as if having a new baby and a job and a family weren't enough), out in the cold, but you Just. Can't. Handle. It. Right. Now. Period.
You ALWAYS have the right to say, "No, I can't do this right now, it feels very wrong to me." And if he can't respect that, then he's disrespecting you, which also you need to make clear to him. Cary hinted at the need to set boundaries. It seems as if there is nothing more crucial than that in this situation.
Good luck to you LW. Really. This sounds complicated. But you know what isn't complicated? Saying no when you want to. Now's the time.
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Hey Farnsworth- you are absolutely right this is a question for Dan Savage.
[Read the article: My husband wants a different form of eroticism ]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I would LOVE to know what he'd say.