I agree, that's usually an inane, histrionic refrain, but since we are actually talking about childcare it's relevant here.

This isn't about mommy or daddy. We assume that they brought forth children because they wanted to create a family and nurture and guide children, not just because they felt they were "supposed to" have kids or for other awful reasons. So how do the children feel about not seeing either parent for a majority of their childhoods?

Why have kids if being away from them makes you happier than being with them?

Because it's much more likely she'll win if people stop saying she's a shoe-in.

Ok, he did something really crappy, but let's check the facts - he had a cyber affair and cyber sex but only physically met up with her once.

There is no doubt he was a jerk in this case, but I bet there were thousands of things he did right. Vacations were had, children were born and nurtured, he had a career and supported his family ... he loved you and the kids. He married you. You know what he did with her? He used her to get his rocks off for about two years and he only bothered to meet her in person once. Who knows if he was really going to meet up with her again. Even if he was, their visits were incredibly few and far between.

You are raw from the loss of him now. Your emotions - I can only imagine how crazy and huge they must feel. But in the end allow yourself to feel this truth - you were his wife, the woman he loved and with whom he chose to make a family and a life. She was no more meaningful than a porn site to him, unworthy even of regular in-person visits. In other words, she was nothing. You and the children were everything.

A hard lesson for me was understanding that even tho someone says something rudely doesn't mean that they're wrong.

I'm a former member of Alanon and one of the first, most important lessons we learn there is that there was a reason why we picked an alcoholic to love. Then we move on to why we tolerated their behavior for so long. Yes, the abuser or alcoholic was an asshat, but we picked them and we need to understand why.

Often spouses resist joining groups like Alanon because they were not the "bad one", the OTHER jerk was the problem. Why should I join a group and get help when I wasn't the abuser or alcoholic? I was good! S/he was bad! But the old saying "it takes two to tango" exists for a reason. There were problems with both parties and that's how the dance got started. The abuser saw something in you and you saw something in him - something primal happened and you need to understand why.

I know you don't want to believe that there is something wrong with your relationship, but you wrote for a reason. IMO the reason is because there are red flags waving like mad and you sense it, but you don't have the tools yet to decipher what it all means. Your intuition is screaming, LW. Please listen to yourself. I can tell from your early, defensive response that you want to sweep this all under the carpet, claim you're going to "go slow", and forget your doubts. Don't.

I don't know if there are groups like Alanon for women who have been abused, but Cary is right to point you in that direction. Everthing I've shared with you here I learned there. Of course you need to think for yourself - it's not like you join and become a zombie and follow their every pronouncement. But let them help you. These groups exist for a reason and the reason is to save you from years of grief.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year LW! The best is yet to come!

I'm not saying anything new here by pointing out that our society has become totally insane when it comes to women and weight. People actually called Britney Spears "fat" in her recent disasterous appearance, and Jennifer Love Hewett "fat" in her candid bikini shots. It's a horrible message for women when physically normal females are held up as examples of obesity.

I welcome any sane conversation on this subject. These images are a good place to start. If these heavier women can be totally comfortable with themselves, can't we all find a way to be happy at a healthy weight?

You won't get the money and for goodness sake do not go over there. This is over. You were a trusting soul and you got screwed. I'm sorry but it is a life lesson. Some people really are bad news and you met one of them. Be glad he at least paid for the dang parts.

Just know this - the guy's car will break down again. He won't be able to call you for help cause he already screwed you. This will cause him pain. This is as close to payback as you're going to get.

Ignore him on the street. Call the cops when it's warranted and you can do it anonymously. I know this kind of guy - he will mess your face up first and think about the consequences later. I predict he will soon be unable to pay the rent and screw his landlord. You can outlast him I think.

Again, please don't go over there. Cary has apparently never lived near a person like this. I know exactly the type you're talking about and he's total trouble. Keep your distance and your cats indoors.