Dear Patrick:

I’d like to get your advice regarding a certain scenario, one that is certainly plausible even if less than highly likely.

Suppose I get to the airport for my scheduled flight to see my mother in Boca Raton, and the gate attendant announces that mechanical problems have forced the airline to substitute a Beechcraft King Air 200 for the plane originally scheduled to make the trip? This scenario makes me extremely anxious, and I’m quite concerned that the mere possibility of its occurrence will prevent me from having regular bowel movements until I return from visiting my mother in Florida next month.

I wonder: do you think the TSA should mandate pre-flight psychological examinations of every boarding passenger to determine the likelihood that any of them will try to rip the door open mid-flight and murder everyone on board? Do you suppose random psychiatric evaluations of the passengers might suffice, or do you think that every passenger over the age of three years old should undergo the same rigorous and exhaustive psychological exam, just to be on the safe side? How about cavity searches? Personally, I’d feel much safer knowing the TSA performs thorough rectal exams on all passengers flying the Beechcraft King Air 200, even though I’m not sure of exactly how that would stop them from murdering everyone on the plane. Oh well, better safe than sorry!

Please let me know what you think, as my mother is waiting for me to tell her when it's safe to pick me up at the airport.

Let’s be real succinct: there has never been a more irredeemably loathsome piece of shit elected to public office in the history of the United States than ‘Dolph Guiliani (nor, for that matter, has there ever been one even as remotely ugly). Of course, those of us who wish our country to remain a putative democracy instead of a grubby little fascist dictatorship should pray to God that Nosferatu gives in to the laughable delusion that he could actually be elected governor of New York, just so we could relive the joy of kicking around his rotting corpse for a few more months.

Alas, somewhere in his scheming reptilian brain ‘Dolph is fully aware that since getting his brains beat in during the Republican primaries he is utterly despised by everyone but the most paranoid, racist human filth in this country. Indeed, this whole running-for-governor shit is nothing but a cheap p.r. stunt intended to alter the fact that the revenues of his “security business” are about the same as Joey Buttafuco’s appearance fees over the past year or so.

Still, we can always hope. And a good place to start, I think, would be to obtain updated testimonials from his children about the fact that he’s about as good a father as a used scumbag, and how they’d sooner vote for Obama or David Patterson or Idi Amin or Attila the Hun than the worthless sack of shit that spawned them.

"Obama or anyone else who supports simular [sic] racist views, will never get support from independants [sic] or Reagan democrats until then and that's just how it is. Barrack Obama is done." -- March 22, 2008

"Spector the defector has about 18 months left as a Senator." -- May 4, 2009

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Let's fact it, you really are too fucking stupid to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide.

Isn't it fairly obvious that the reporting of these poll results -- the accuracy of which are apparently somewhat dubious, given the findings of other recent surveys on the issue -- should be accompanied by an explanation of their significance, if any?

In other words, what's the point? That investigations into torture are politically risky for the White House or the Democratic Party as a whole? That such investigations are inappropriate because they're (arguably) opposed by a narrow majority of the public? That the prosecution of criminal conduct in general should be dependent on its popularity? Or simply that the American public has been exposed to the stink of Republicanism for so long that a majority has become an authoritarian bovine herd with no more qualms about torture than with subjecting themselves to public rectal exams in order to get on a fucking airplane.

Today, Agore warns us all:

Go ahead - enjoy your year and a half of absolute power before the public turns on you.

And here’s the same genius last summer:

I have a friend, a yellow dog Democrat, not in any way a movement feminist, who has been so incensed over the Hillary-Obama fight that for the first time in her life, she has been leaning Republican this year. The choice of Palin as VP is going to seal this deal.

August 29, 2008

That’s right buddy, you tell ‘em! Of course, you had all the prescience of a pile of loose dogshit last summer, but I’m sure the turnaround’s gonna finally happen any day now. I just know it. Surely, they’ll be commissioning statues of your hero George Bush all over the U.S. in time for the 2010 elections, and you’ll undoubtedly be appointed to a prominent role in planning for Newt’s inauguration in 2012.

In the meantime, why don’t you just get back to beating-off eight times a day to Sarah Palin instead of crawling into the sack with whatever succubus actually agreed to marry you, and explaining to your kids that you know all about the humiliation of having a father who was an obnoxious loudmouth and a universally detested sack of shit.