Letters to the Editor
ac_in_dc
Published Letters: 64 Editor's Choice: 12
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Sex vs. Affection--there are two things going on here...
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The sex & depression/SSRI thing is definitely one issue, and I think that most of the letter writers here have addressed that well. I've experienced (very) severe depression and the lowered/non-existent libido that accompanies it, plus the inability to orgasm that frequently happens on SSRIs. I've been through a divorce, too, with a drawn-out end-of-marriage experience that didn't include a lot of sex, to say the least. These things all make sense to me.
The lack of basic affection, though, is something completely different. It sounds very, very sad, and much deeper than the sex thing. There are some deep, unresolved tensions here, and it sounds like the LW's husband may be using the depression/lack of libido as a mask for a deeper withdrawal from the marriage.
LW, your husband sounds like a considerate, caring, loving guy. Plus you have a child together. Seems worthwhile to remain patient and loving to him as he goes through this time, I understand too, that you can't expect big changes from someone dealing with a severe depressive episode.
However, given the lack of affection accompanying the lack of sex, I think a "wait and see" approach may not be the best course of action here...without even basic physical contact, you guys are putting your marriage at a HUGE risk. Maybe that's just my female perspective kicking in, but I think it's the same for guys.
Here's what I'd do:
1) On the sex: Explain to your husband that you're willing to forgo sex for as long as he needs you to, but that you're a sexual creature and would like him to help you maintain your sexuality in small ways that don't require his active participation. Maybe you could masturbate in front of him, or rent some sexy movies--just be clear that this is about your pleasure, and he's welcome to participate by trying to pleasure himself, but you don't need him to. Having him by your side is enough.
2) On the affection: There's a disconnect here that's deeper than sex. This should be explored with a marital counselor ASAP. Most counseling fails b/c couples bring in outside help too late. You need to work with a professional to figure out where your husband's lack of affection is coming from: as a guy, does he just view this as an extension of sex, or does he feel a deeper isolation from you? Your husband's therapist should be able to recommend an appropriate counselor based on his/her prior experience counseling your husband.
I can't stress enough how important I think it is for you to address these issues in your marriage. It seems that you have a beautiful child and a great life together (albeit with some career & relocation & family issues)--there's a lot worth saving here, and this marriage deserves whatever effort both of you can muster at this point.
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One more thing, on the abortion...
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Everyone's reaction to an abortion is different, but don't discount that as leading to your isolation from each other.
When you work with a counselor (see my post from a few minutes ago), you should talk through this as well. Some folks can rebound from an abortion no problem, but for many, it is comparable to the death of a child. Think about the incredible stress that losing a child can have on a marriage, and combine that with the potential guilt and responsibility that both you and he may feel. Give yourselves the space to grieve together for this loss, and to forgive each other for a decision that turned out to be much bigger and more traumatic than you initially anticipated.
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Lack of respect for the planet, or just his girlfriend?
[Read the article: My boyfriend has an abysmal environmental conscience]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, I can't tell from your letter how bad your partner really is to the earth. Does he generally lead a lifestyle where he doesn't consume very much, drive very far, live in a big house, etc? If you guys have been together for 5 years, then you are probably compatible in your liestyles and consumption levels.
The burning wire thing seems like a red herring. Not that burning plastic isn't bad. But I would guess that the main problem here isn't your partner's (lack of) respect for the planet, but his lack of respect for you, or at least your values and the things you hold dear.
From the tone of your letter, though, it sounds like you may not have a lot of respect for him either. If my boyfriend wrote something like this about me--calling me "herself," for example, or presenting an issue in such a way that it seems that he clearly thought that he was a better person than me--I would feel demeaned and patronized.
Do you guys still respect and admire each other enough to continue seeing each other?
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may I retract what I said about burning copper wire?
[Read the article: My boyfriend has an abysmal environmental conscience]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I think I said in my previous letter that I couldn't tell by the LW's description of her boyfriend's habits how bad he was to the earth.
I take that back--just did some reading and realized how bad burning copper wire really is for the planet. If your boyfriend is burning a lot of wire, the land he's burning it on can become a superfund site. Cleanup costs at a minimum $500 and usually runs into the thousands. The stuff you're releasing--dioxins and heavy metals--are NOT being released by any law-abiding big corporations anywhere in the United States, because it's illegal to release these controlled substances.
If I knew someone that was doing this, I would threaten to report him to the authorities unless they stopped their behavior. Really, the site of the burning should be cleaned up too. The pollutants released from low-temperature burning are major, and will remain in the surrounding soil, if untreated, for many generations.