Letters to the Editor
wire0monkey
Published Letters: 173 Editor's Choice: 5
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Why don't they leave?
[Read the article: Abuse me, abuse my pet]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This is a general response, based on several years of working with victims of domestic violence as a legal advocate in Minnesota.
One of the answers to "how do women get into this mess" is pretty simple. Batterers are slick. They are very charming during the dating process. They tend to white knight romantics who go the extra mile for their new prey. It can be very flattering and very heady to get the princess treatment. Once the batterer has the woman on the hook, he often tends to save the battering as a last resort. He often doesn't batter every day and he often doesn't batter every week. It's just when he feels like things are getting out of control. Afterwards, he lays on the romantic "white knight" courtship game again. It's a two step process: 1) use violence to maintain/regain control and 2) use romantic courting to remind the woman that the relationship is worthwhile. This combination of violence and romantic chivalry is really, really confusing if you're the recipient of it.
If the guy worships you as a princess 70% of the time and beats the shit out of you 30% of the time, which aspect of the relationship is most important?
Batterers also take steps to get the woman isolated once she's in the relationship. He slowly moves to take control of the social life so she has little access to friends, family, church or social support. That's the big one. He also often takes control of the money, so she has little financial recourse if she wants to leave.
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Late to the party
[Read the article: I'm a mom who needs more solitude]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The grandma who suggested Quiet Time is right on. I do that with my boys. If they say they're not tired, I tell them that Quiet Time is for me, not them.
You should check the summer camp schedule for your local YMCA. Our local YMCAs run day camps and activity camps (fishing, cooking, computers, learn to swim, learn to kayak, tumbling, basketball, knitting, etc.) all summer at reasonable prices. If you can't afford the price, they have scholarships available for kids who need them.
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Re: personality tests
[Read the article: I'm a mom who needs more solitude]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The Myers-Briggs is based on Jungian typology and is geared to identifying personalities as they fit into a Jungian view of human psychology. I find it sort of rigid, but useful as a starting point. Just don't take it as the be-all and end-all of answers.
Much more helpful to me in a general sense has been the various personality tests based on what some call "the Big Five." These tests measure your agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, openness to new experience, and extraversion against the average person. It's very interesting stuff, but again, it only answers questions about some parts of your personality and doesn't explain everything.
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Good luck
[Read the article: What should we do with our $3 million?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Investing this money doesn't have to be complicated. How much income do you need per year to live comfortably? Will a $100,000 do it? Okay. Take $2 million of the money and buy an annuity that will pay you monthly for the next 80 years with appropriate cost of income raises. Divide the rest of your cash between a house and an investment fund.
Okay, now that you don't have to worry about money, I'll give the advice I give every 23 year old I know. Pick a direction. Any direction. Just find something that sounds cool or useful and do it. If you love it, keep doing it. If you hate, do something else. Keep doing this and eventually you'll find your vocation.
(Of course, that's also why my husband is working on his 4th career change in 22 years. I think this one is it, though. )
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Skinner can help.
[Read the article: My business trip ended with me in four-point restraints!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You have a phobia. That's a little crazy, but not life-destroying. The drugs and alcohol aren't going to help it, and as you see, cause too many other problems.
There is another solution.
You need to find a psychologist who is trained as a behaviorist. (You need straight up Skinnerian-style behaviorism. You don't really need a cognitive psychologist for this.) You need to do a therapeutic program called flooding. Your psychologist will expose you to airplanes and flying. You'll feel extreme discomfort and fear, but as you continue the exposure, the fear will break. Through extensive exposure to the source of the phobia and a willingness to feel the fear and discomfort and continue to maintain contact with the source of the phobia, you can break the phobia.
The therapy doesn't take long and it isn't very expensive.
Good luck.
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@melew1
[Read the article: My business trip ended with me in four-point restraints!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Not necessarily. I've been on a plane where a sick or drunk person* was taken off and it didn't make the news. This is a routine event, and the airports and airlines don't report it to the media, if they can help it. Lots of stuff like this happens that never makes the news.
*I don't know if he was drunk or sick, but he was 1) barfing and 2) swearing at the flight attendant.
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Can you take your power back?
[Read the article: I'm almost 23 and still afraid of sex]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]As for sex, you probably need to see someone who specializes in sex therapy. AASECT (www.aasect.org) can tell you who is available in your area and qualified to work on these issues.
If you get a counselor, please talk seriously with her about whether you can report your pediatrician to the licensing board.
I have children. The idea that one of my children would be molested by a pediatrician makes me want to start breaking things.
Some people find that making a report helps them take some of their power back. Some people find that making a report ends with them being re-victimized as they are not believed and nothing is done as a result of their report.
You have to decide this for yourself. If you can make a report, without worrying too much about the outcome, the report will put a red flag on this pediatrician. Even if nothing comes of it immediately, people will know to keep an eye on that doctor. You would be a hero.
If you can't do it, though, don't... Don't destroy yourself for other people. I mean it.