Letters to the Editor
wire0monkey
Published Letters: 195 Editor's Choice: 6
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Re: morality
[Read the article: I want more commitment from my married girlfriend]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"Taking another man's wife is sinful..."
First off, she's not her husband's property. You can't steal a person the way that you steal a car.
There's a difference between cheating and having an open relationship.
If a married couple decides to see other people but remained married (for the kids, for the finances, because they love each other but want more lovers, whatever) and are honest with each other, then they're not cheating. They've made a different marriage contract than one that most of us would choose, but as long as they're honest with each other and their lovers, it ain't nobody's business what they do.
If they're sneaking around and lying, then they're being dishonest and that's going to rightly get them creamed by the innocent spouse. In that case, people should support the innocent spouse and tell the lying liar to knock it off.
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@Peter Lyden
[Read the article: I want more commitment from my married girlfriend]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You're having a fight all by yourself to prove that you're better than the rest of the alleged "moral relativists" on this list.
Look at the last paragraph that I wrote. The gist of what I said is "If they're being dishonest, that's wrong."
I hope your moral superiority keeps you warm at night, 'cause it's not good for much else.
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The Baby Vortex
[Read the article: My husband of 12 years suddenly says he never loved me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]My husband and I are happily married. We've been married for 15 years on August 28. We have two kids and two professional careers and it's crazy, but totally worth it.
Here's what I've learned about being married and having kids: Having a baby puts you into a time/space continuum called the Baby Vortex. You don't come out until they're around 5 or 6. Every new kid starts the timeline for getting out of the Baby Vortex over. While you're in the Baby Vortex, it's very hard to have time for the other partner because the baby is so demanding. You can't have a conversation, sex, watch a movie, go to dinner, or do anything you did together before because of the baby's demands. You have to find time for the other partner, even for general conversation. It's easy to feel distant from your partner when you're in the Baby Vortex because you have so much difficulty doing all the relationship things that promote intimacy. You have to work at having a happy marriage when you're in the Baby Vortex.
If they've had 5 kids in 12 years, they haven't been out of the Baby Vortex in that whole time. He probably doesn't feel like he loves her because they haven't had much time for their relationship during that period. It's likely, though, that if they can find time to be intimate (talking, doing things together, and having sex), he'll find that he does love her. He just feels distant because they've been distant and preoccupied with the Baby Vortex. If she wants to hold the marriage together, she should see a divorce attorney so she knows her fallback position, get healed up from childbirth, and then see if once a week dates (movie, dinner, conversation, sex) improves how they both feel about the marriage. It might work.
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@momof2
[Read the article: My husband of 12 years suddenly says he never loved me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You sorta just made my point about the Baby Vortex in your description of your marriage. The difference between having the marriage you describe (which sounds kinda like mine) and the marriage I used to have is huge.
We went out to dinner every week. We went on vacation every six months. We went out with friends at least once a week. We worked out together before work five days a week. We went to the movies together 3 times a month. We were married like this for 9 years.
That kind of freedom and flexibility is pretty much over until the kids can go to the movies with you and out to dinner and do more of their own self-care.