Letters to the Editor
wire0monkey
Published Letters: 149 Editor's Choice: 5
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What I learned...
[Read the article: I'm perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I grew up in a family like yours. All of the adults were angry, unhappy, violent people. Many were criminals. Many were alcoholics or addicts. Some were drug-dealers. I turned into an angry, unhappy, violent, depressed, suicidal kid with a drinking problem and an eating disorder. I'm not there now. I'm nowhere close to there. I haven't been there for a long time. (I'm 39 now.) I haven't hit someone else in anger in 18 years. I haven't had a drink in 15 years. I haven't tried to injure myself in 14 years. I haven't engaged in eating disordered behaviors in 12 years. I have a great life with a great family and a good job.
I'm a survivor. So are you. I know that because you wrote in and asked the question. People who are mindful of the problem survive it and learn to thrive.
Dealing with your anger thing is the first step to thriving. Here's what I think I've learned about anger. (Your mileage may vary.) People mostly get angry because they're afraid. Addressing the source of the fear before you get to "angry" helps a lot.
Whenever someone makes you angry, take a look at what you're afraid of. What is that person doing that threatens you? In the real exterior world is that fear rational or irrational?
If the fear is irrational, you need to laugh it off. Name the irrational fear when it occurs and laugh in its face. I often do this by looking at the problem and deciding what the worst possible outcome of a situation is. Then I figure out what I'll do if the worst possible thing occurs. Then I look at it and decide if the world is going to end and if I will survive the problem. (Hint: The world isn't going to end and I will get through the problem.)
If the fear is rational, you need to identify what the source is. Then you need to open your mouth and ask for what you want. People get to yelling and anger because they're threatened. If you ask for what you want before it gets to the threatened part, you can head off the "anger" stage well ahead of time. Clear consistent statements of desire and negotiation around those desires and a willingness to compromise helps a lot in all kinds of relationships. Most people are glad to talk things out before it gets to the yelling stage.
Not everyone, though. Lots of people won't negotiate or compromise and they view calm negotiations as a sign of weakness. Other people (my mother is one of them) won't listen to you unless you're screaming at the top of your lungs. In those cases do the best you can to express your desires and keep your sanity. I find that hard aerobic exercise takes the edge off of that. Chocolate and old movies are excellent for consoling myself, too.
Anyway, that's how I deal with it. Maybe that will give you some ideas on how you could deal with it.
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@ Allie
[Read the article: "Why do these men want to coach little girls?" ]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I think you have something of a point, but I would go the other way with it. Ban football. Please.
It destroys the bodies of high school boys. They don't even clearly see the damage that's been done until they start seeing the arthritis in their knees in their 30's.
Ban it. They get concussions and brain injuries. They die from dehydration. They break bones. They get paralyzed.
It's time to ban football.
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Lawyer-time
[Read the article: My husband of 12 years suddenly says he never loved me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Run, don't walk, to the best divorce lawyer that you can find. Do it now.
Find out what your options are regarding spousal maintenance and child support. A mother of five with a new baby is entitled to both in healthy amounts. Once you know what you're entitled to in a divorce, then you can talk with him about what to do about your marriage. It's much easier to work it out, if you're not scared the whole time.
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RE: 5 kids
[Read the article: My husband of 12 years suddenly says he never loved me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't think browbeating the LW for having that many kids is going to accomplish anything, though. It may make you feel superior, but the fact of the matter is, the kids are already there. Telling her she should have thought about the possible consequences of having them is like trying to close the barn door after the horses have left.
SHE didn't have that many kids. THEY had that many kids. It was a joint decision. The guy is an adult. Unless he is mentally defective, he knows how to operate a condom. I assume that he also knows how to operate a telephone and could have called a doctor to schedule a vasectomy before Kid #5 arrived. Fertility is a joint responsibility.
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How to get what you want
[Read the article: I want more commitment from my married girlfriend]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Open you mouth and ask for it. Duh!
If you want more time with your lover, if you want her to say "I love you," if you want more cuddles, if you want her to rub your feet, whatever... open your mouth and tell her what you want.
Then ask her what she wants... Negotiate for a "win-win" situation.
If the answer is that she cares about you, but isn't willing to be more committed, it's time to move on. There are tons of other poly women out there who you can date.