Letters to the Editor
god's country
Published Letters: 23 Editor's Choice: 3
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LIsten to the people talking about meds
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Everyone is speculating, but the elephant in the room is the meds. I would say, maybe 75% chance. SSRI's tend to be 'deal killers' with respect to libido. Like a light switch.
I would forget everything else (all good suggestions, of course) and rule out the meds. If it is the meds, it's not your fault, it's not his fault, it's just the side effects. The reason I emphasize this is that there is bound to be guilt, anger, resentment, etc.
Also, it could be 100% the meds. Not the typical relationship stuff where it's always a combinations of things, etc. etc.
Spend some time reading up on the subject. Have a frank talk with H about his libido. Ask him explicit questions. He says he isn't interested, but details are very useful. There is not being interest and not being capable. I don't think psychiatrists frequently do a very good job with this issue. The frequency of problems tend to be underreported for a number of reasons. They 'go to war' with the drugs they have, not the ones they want. They frequently wait for the patient to complain before raising the issue.
There are a number of ways you and H could isolate it to the meds. If both you and H are comfortable that the problem is the meds, then you in a much better position to deal with it.
He is the father of your child and you seem to have a good relationship excluding sex. The options aren't quite as bleak if it is the drug, and you both know it's the drug.
I don't normally like to share too much information, but here it is:
I am probably the typical guy with respect to libido. The male reptilian brain (or at least mine), tends to drift toward sex when ever I'm in the presence of a female. I am referring to the subjective aspect of the frequently cited 'fact' that men think about sex hourly if not more frequently.
Anyway, I took an ssri for a couple of months and not only couldn't I get it up, but I had absolutely no sexual thoughts. Nada. It was a very weird experience and not really understandable unless experienced. I could talk to a woman and my eyes wouldn't drift down to her chest, etc. All the sexist, objectifying type of stuff that we don't need to elaborate on, but you get the drift.
It was a shocking experience.
Anyway, the reptilian brain reemerged a month or so after I quit taking it.
I don't remember thinking about physical affection one way or the other.
I guess anyone that hasn't 'been there' might have a very hard time understanding the impact these drugs can have on the libido.
And, yea....some people can be taking meds with sexual side effects and sort of 'work around it' for their partner. Marital mercy sex or whatever. Your H may be too fragile to go there at the moment.
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Another observation...
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This is it and I'll drop it after this:
People with direct, personal experience with meds tend to say 'it's probably the meds. period.
People with less direct experience with meds tend to list multiple hypotheses.
Not to pick on a pretty good answer from the second group:
"I also find it hard to believe that the guy has no sexual interests at all. It's possible. But does the guy have porn? If he doesn't want sex, he must be masturbating on a regular basis. "
I will assure you, it's very easy to believe the guy has no sexual interests. It is also more then possible that he isn't masturbating on a regular basis. It is highly possible that he can't get it up, and even if he did using viagra, he couldn't have an orgasm.
OK....it would be very very hard to believe if I hadn't experienced it.
And another thing....LW states that H is treating her well (otherwise), is thoughtful, etc. LW and H may not make it, but H and LW have a kid. Whatever happens, it is important that they maintain as good a relationship as possible for the sake of their daughter.
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Wise Up
[Read the article: My fiancé suddenly joined the Marines]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It doesn't matter if he has a character flaw, a diagnosable mental disorder, or any other reason. This is more then enough reason to bail out of this relationship.
If you think you are likely to have a stable family life with children after marriage, very unlikely.
Back to the children idea. You are betting your children's future on drawing to an inside straight. It isn't just you, after all. There are just not many scenarios that have a happy ending with this man. On the slight chance he is just an eccentric genius that maybe needs a pill to keep it together, consider that wives of eccentric geniuses don't tend to have happy endings. I once heard the comment that "Kennedy(men) are hell on women".
The idea that you don't give up on a person because of a physical or mental/chemical problem, that's AFTER you say I do. Maybe. Other people's opinion of you dumping a patriotic guy don't count.
The idea that things will get better after marriage is another bad idea. Not that it can't happen, but it is much more likely that any problem will become worse after the Honeymoon period is over. Guys can change, but not because you want them to.
The only possible reason not to run out of this relationship immediately is if you are madly in love. But if you have to ask....you aren't.
The final over worked analogy is the shoe salesman, when the customer says they are snug in the toe, assures you that leather stretches and it will be fine when the shoes are broken in.
So wise up now before true heartbreak, like dealing with his problems, having children to consider, no really good options, and living with the fact that you knew and signed up for it.