Letters to the Editor
ololon
Published Letters: 78 Editor's Choice: 14
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The joys of mOtherhood
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The loss of intimacy, any kind of intimacy, is not unusual for new parents. Not by a long shot! But when you throw grad school, a job change, a really BIG move and recent family rifts on top of new parenthood, it makes the unfortunately common postnatal sex drought that much worse.
And you are a stay-at-home mother, correct? In a home that is 3,000 miles away from your support network? The majority of your adult interaction probably comes from your husband and your need for intimacy is magnified by this circumstance. It's an extraordinary pressure to be responsible for another person's entire social life and your husband may feel as if he is responsible for yours. Especially if you've moved for his job, having left behind a career of your own. Moving is rough on you both, but at least he has a job with grown-up talk about things for which he must exercise his brain. When a stay-at-home parent simultaneously has a child and makes a long-haul move the social circles (s)he most easily fits into are the baby classes and the park playgroups and so on. Sure you're making friends, but you mostly talk about your children (or your problems with your partner that seem to stem from having children) and your physical link to what was "you" -- the person not mOther, the individual for whom polysyllabic conversation about something other than poop is not a fleeting memory -- is your husband. He may very well be shutting down to the added pressures your new status places on him in order to focus on the new baby and job. Similarly, you may be reaching out more than usual to somehow counter the effects of motherhood on your sense of self, if not distract yourself from them.
Can you tell that I've been through this? Oh yes. I could have written your letter, down to most of the gory details. My husband and I -- and we are still working through this -- had a really hard time letting go of our pre-baby selves in order to make room for who we now are in our new life. Yeah, sure, we are the same people, but not entirely; our lives have changed dramatically (kid, move, job, school, whoa) in a very short period of time. So we have changed. We had to. And we had to make room for the changes, embrace them, and work with them to be happy in our new lives. That's what marriage is, really. Work. Not the continuation of the old forever, but working constant change.
So you've got to start over, find different ways to be intimate, accept new ways of showing affection, roll with the changes. My husband and I spent so much time missing the intimacies we kind of forgot the person with whom we were intimate. In some ways, that was the easier path; bemoaning such losses takes less energy than starting over. It's not much different than entering the dating pool after a long-term relationship; it's hard, and scary, but it can be fun too. The sex can come back. It really can. Intimacy too. Just not the way it was. If it did, life would be boring.
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Go
[Read the article: I don't want to go to my college friend's wedding]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"There is a part of me that thinks I can avoid phone calls, and then, as long as I attend all the weddings, I'll still be able to consider them my friends."
You will be looked upon favourably if you attend. You will be forgiven unreturned phone calls and allowed your eccentricities regarding evenings out. About you will be proclaimed, "She's not one to hang out, but she always shows up for the important things." Whoever told you that you'd be written off if you didn't show up is right -- blow off regular outings or blow off big events, but don't blow off both.
That said, I don't quite understand the friendship caste system you mention. What kind of friend would a "third-tier" friend be? Are they the "safety" friends, dragged out only if you've no other option? Someone has obviously spoken to you about your distaste for being around certain people and the effect it is having on your relationships. You don't seem to be introverted at all, but rather discerning in your associations. Particular and introverted are two different things, as are indiscriminating and extroverted. Regardless, you should perhaps heed the first-tier friend, who may very well know better how to handle this group of which you are a part. And, as another commenter asked: were these people invited to your wedding and did they attend? If the answer is a double yes, you go. Leave the husband home if he truly hates these things, but you go. It'll serve your purposes for the time being. In the meantime, examine those purposes and figure out how to make good friends, not just keep many friends.