Letters to the Editor
ololon
Published Letters: 77 Editor's Choice: 14
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I will not stop for Death
[Read the article: I should have gone to my aunt's funeral]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Why should you have gone? From the letter, it doesn't sound as if you've got the need to say goodbye or achieve closure about this death. Nor does it sound as if your presence is a necessary balm to those for whom this death is a devastating blow. Funerals are not about the dead -- funerals are about the needs of the living. Why participate in the ritual if you've no need for it and no one has need of you? Because you "should"? What does that mean?
I'm not a funeral enthusiast, finding them about as overblown and devoid of sentiment as most modern weddings. Yet I've been to a funeral that I found absolutely necessary -- the service for my close friend who killed himself at age 27. Had to go to that one. I needed to be in that circle of friends, I needed to make what had happened real, I needed to see the look of angry incredulity on everyone's collective face and know I wasn't the only one. And his family needed it -- they needed to see and feel the love that is with their boy.
Maybe because that funeral was really the first that came up on my radar, it put all others into perspective. I've not attended a funeral since. When my grandmother recently died -- and she helped raise me! -- even then I did not go. Sure, I've got practical reasons and I shall fend off most superficial guilties and refrain from listing them (though not from mentioning them). The truth is... I'd said goodbye to her years ago, when the senile dementia took firm hold of her, and I'd been fortunate enough to have spent recent holidays with her. Oh, how glad I am for that trip, the first and only holidays my daughter had with her great-grandma! I love my grandmother and I miss her. I don't need a funeral to validate my love or my loss, nor would my attendance at the service help me or anyone else at the event.
No, LW, you didn't need to go. Give your aunt a passing thought on your vacation, as I think remembering her while you are happy is the most respectful thing we can do for our dead. We don't do enough of that.
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Just ask her
[Read the article: I want more commitment from my married girlfriend]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You want to know why she doesn't repeat "I love you" then ask her.
Of course, being catlike, she will most likely ignore you in favor of intimate self-grooming. But you will feel about as good as is possible in this situation for having gotten it off of your chest.
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Ifá and the Advice Column
[Read the article: I'm really a self-actualized being, but my family is all messed up]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't know much about the syncretic Yoruban religions, but I'd have never thought a babalawo would turn to an advice column. Isn't Ifá the practice of divination?
One thing I know about Santéria, of which Ifá is a part, is that there is no good and there is no evil -- there is simply movement. All situations contain positive and negative attributes, both of which need to be respected as symbiotic. LW, by claiming only the positive aspects of your situation and attributing the negative to everyone else you've unbalanced your life. Your potentially-alcoholic wife and your rage-laden son and your cypher of a daughter all live in that overvalued house -- they, not the house alone, represent your life. So it ain't all rosy. I'm just surprised that you aren't recognizing that, given your religion.
Or maybe not I'm not surprised. I've actually witnessed an epileptic seizure treated as possession by my Santéria-practising family members (and had the phone ripped out of the wall when I tried to call a doctor), so I might just believe anything of Santéria and its close cousins. Sorry to sound disrespectful, but... that event stays with me. I do appreciate throwing the whole good/evil dualism out the window, though.
Tell your wife you are worried about her and ask her how she feels about her drinking. Start realizing your son will not "get over" his problems, but will probably need to treat them for a long time if not for life. Stop shutting the bad out. You should know what happens when you do.
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About Cary's explanation
[Read the article: I'm really a self-actualized being, but my family is all messed up]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary,
People write to you for advice. You disrespect those who seek your advice, they who are both your audience and source material, without whom you have no public forum, when you utilize what is essentially their space to advertise your writing philosophy. A writing philosophy, I must add, that did not and will now never provide you with a published novel. When the novel you crow about is finally published, it will be published on the backs of your LWs and not your talent or your skill. No publishing deal comes your way without the assistance of those seeking your advice, nor does any teaching job. You should respect this and be grateful, offering a sincere and unconditional apology when you self-indulgently forget this fact.
I do apologize for so bluntly calling your attention to your arrogance, but it needed to be done. Between the constant self-promotion and the increasingly myopic responses, you're becoming irresponsible with those seeking your advice. William Blake would be appalled.
Ololon