Letters to the Editor
ololon
Published Letters: 77 Editor's Choice: 14
-
Not coming to the pity party!
[Read the article: How long will it take me to get over my divorce?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Perhaps it's just me -- a female, late-30's, native New Yorker with little time for this kind of self-indulgence (other than my own, of course) -- but isn't anyone else noticing that this woman seems, well, rather co-dependent? I so hate that psychobabble word, perhaps because I end up using it entirely too frequently, but this woman seems to take no responsibility whatsoever for what happened in this relationship, imagining both the pain and the end of her pain to be somehow rooted in this man. Why?
Why, as someone in their mid-30's who is finally realizing some payoff for the slog, shouldn't he have purchased the high-priced toys that are a perk of a newly-increased income? Why shouldn't he be believed if he says he hasn't had an affair... especially since he still affirms so, despite beginning divorce proceedings? Why need this be a midlife crisis, or a betrayal, or a wrong somehow fashioned against the writer?
In the most telling sentence of the entire letter, this woman writes, "I had too many questions about "us", and he had no answers." Why should he have? All I can envision is someone who, as the writer admits, was trying to talk about his confusion, trying to sort through his own role, while his partner cried, "But what about US? Forget you -- I need to know about US!"
I think, perhaps, this writer had never found herself, instead building a self-image upon her role in a relationship... and, for the other in such a relationship, bearing the responsibility for another self entire can be stifling, if not suffocating. As he goes through changes, she becomes clingy, unable to deal with life as a dynamic, instead wishing for safe, stolid, stagnancy.
So, instead of this, "time will heal all wounds" crap -- and crap it is to someone experiencing pain -- why not advise this woman to, blunt as it is, get a life? OF HER OWN?!? Go buy some gadgets, flirt a little, explore something for you and only you, enjoy the true beginning of adulthood, as it is enjoyable. Don't look for answers elsewhere. She needs to look to herself, as it seems as if she has not.
-
Get a little back
[Read the article: My son is almost 30 and won't leave home]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]While I think that LW should write a letter such as Cary suggested, I do not think she should give it to her son. Instead, she should use it as a means to strengthen her resolve. Then she should look at her own finances and do one of two things:
1. If her finances allow it, and her retirement will not be at risk as a result, she should do as previously suggested and give him a short period of time within which to move. One month may be too short in LA, but two months should be perfectly adequate. Since he is not contributing, he is not a tenant and has no rights in the house; I'm pretty sure squatters' rights do not apply, but check. Lock out the first day after the period is over. Or,
2. If -- because money matters, otherwise the boy would move! -- it would be prudent to put a little back in the bank, then she should determine a set period of no more than one year within which he may remain as a paying tenant, with a fixed financial contribution. No names on bills, just give him a flat rate, including food, heat, electric, cable, etc. Of course what is spent on a child/houseguest is significantly more than just food, as some one who has obviously never paid a bill in her/his life suggested! LW should add it all up, make sure to figure in her property taxes and mortgage, and come up with the figure she would charge a stranger... then maybe cut him a small break, 'cause he's not a stranger. Have him sign an agreement wherein he agrees to pay this or submit to eviction within three days of non-payment, and making sure he agrees to leave at the end of the term. No renewals, no extensions, nothing. Lockout the first day the term is ended, or the first day after rent is due but unreceived. This agreement should start immediately, with a week to pay the first month's fee.
Whether the move-out is taking place in one month or one year, LW should research storage spaces, see a lawyer (there are housing rights & elderly rights clinics that can help with this, make sure her butt is covered, help her plan for when she is elderly, etc.), get friends ready to be present, and prepare for locking him out within 24 hours of default. Look into roommate services, sure, but for her own peace of mind, so she can see there are options and bolster her courage. She should give her son the choice of agreeing to whichever of the two options she has chosen, without compromise, or leave that day; perhaps she can store his things for a week, but locks will be changed. Don't give him the choice between #1 and #2! I guarantee he'll wonder why he can't get the first two months of his new one year lease free, since she was prepared to extend that, and then that opens up a can of worms. So it should be whichever plan suits LW's budget, or the highway within 24 hours.
Because, as no one has mentioned (although I may have missed it), parents do for their children so that their children can do for themselves, and their children, when they are gone and not merely when they are retired. While LW's retirement is of extreme importance, so too is her son's ability to function without her when she dies, and his childrens' emotional and material well-being at the hands of such a father. She must think of this, steel herself, and offer up some tough love in a velvet glove. His future partner, children, friends, will thank her. And, though it may take a considerable period of time and much stress, so will he.