Letters to the Editor

• I can empathize with you, LW....

  [Read the article: Doctors fighting about money: Now that's rich]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  ...somewhat. I married a doc who came from a much nicer background than mine. Like you, he went to expensive undergrad and med schools, but he had that debt. I had to 'fess up to crap credit (including a large debt to the IRS) and more than a passing familiarity with collection agencies.

  Financially,we are not in as good a place as you and your husband, but I do understand your family issues.

  I have a very large family, with all kinds of interesting issues. When we married, eight years ago, it seemed like none of my siblings would even be sane or solvent. When I was single, two other sisters, my mother, and I were the go-to people for crash pads, rides, bail money, child care, and other financial help. When I got married, I pretty much expected to continue this, and because my husband is a kind person, we did...to some extent. There were times, however, when he pointed out that we were acting as enablers, and that it was okay to say no.

  On my side...well, I dislike my inlaws. I have gotten to know them well, and I don't know how they raised the sons they did. They are materialistic, shallow, selfish people. They drive me up the wall. I have made the mistake of telling my husband this, numerous times. Sometimes, when they've pulled something particularly egregious, he agrees with me. Other times, I just come off as a shrew. Finally, when I was badmouthing my MIL to my mother on the phone, she pointed out that these were his parents, he loved them, and I really needed to keep my mouth shut. Now, when I have to rave and rant, I call a sister, and we trash our inlaws together.

  SO....

  Your husband is coming off as a jerk, but really, this could be solved if he kept his opinions of your parents to himself. You love and understand them. Eventually, he may come to have more affection for them. Until then, he needs to keep his mouth shut. After all, he can't change them-neither of you can--and his comments are just causing conflict. And if you have negative opinions of his parents--the same goes for you. Arguing about inlaws will only make you miserable. Perhaps you can make the rule that you will deal with your parents, and he will deal with his. If you keep separate bank accounts--which may be necessary here--then you can provide some help to your folks as needed.

  Which brings us to the other. Be glad your husband is frugal and cares about debt. It's much better than a profligate husband who runs your finances into the ground, even if it is a major pain at times. And while your parents are elderly, and deserve your help and consideration, they may also at times need help managing the money they have, and staying within their means. You do want to apply yourself to your debt, and not take much more on. You may, after all, want to have a child and stay home one day.

  I hope this makes sense. It's important for your marriage that you don't demonize your husband, and that you work together, rather than siding with your parents against him. Try to reframe the conflict in some way, so he knows that you are trying to meet him halfway. This won't be the first time in your marriage that you have a strong disagreement, or that he will seem like a world-class jerk. Don't worry--you'll have your great moments, too.

  And, btw, your letter perpetuates a stereotype abt physicians--that they're all just raking it in. It depends on many factors: your specialty, where you practice, your malpractice insurance, whether or not you run your own practice, the pay plan if you are in a multi-specialty clinic, your debt (education, equipment,etc.). If you're fortunate, you will always be prosperous, but realize, no matter how careful you are, money is always easy come, easy go. Build your marriage on something besides cash.

  Best wishes,

  Permalink Sunday, August 17, 2008 08:20 PM