Letters to the Editor
Heron23
Published Letters: 55 Editor's Choice: 2
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regarding the attitudes about having/not having children
[Read the article: I'm a mom who needs more solitude]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I've decided not to become a parent, and dealt with some people who are extremely rude when they learn I'm not going to be "popping them out already" (like one woman on the subway suggested). I've come to the conclusion that the most vociferous among them are the ones who have children and want to justify their own childbearing decisions.
I think the people who say smugly, "Well, your problems wouldn't be bothering you if you'd done the smart thing and not had children" are doing the same thing, on the other side of the coin. If you're childfree and proud of it, that's one thing, but it's quite another to turn your nose up at anyone who has the courage to go ahead and have them. Birth control mistakes happen. Some people underestimate the difficulties involved. Some have kids, then lose their partners. And yes, there are some people who shouldn't have kids but have them anyway. When one writes to Cary, though, wouldn't it be better to offer some advice if you have any to offer, or keep quiet? Nobody's perfect, and we all make decisions we later come to regret.
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Oh what a tangled web...
[Read the article: Should I confront my father about his affair?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]For the first time in a while, I think Cary's spot-on. The LW should think carefully about what she hopes to accomplish by spilling her dad's secret, then consider if and how much she thinks her mother would want to know, if she doesn't know already. She may guess wrong on the second part, but knowing her own motives will help her keep this situation in perspective while she sorts out how to do right by BOTH her parents.
It seems to me this sort of conundrum is one of the most dangerous side effects of the Internet Age. The LW's father may very well have found his mistress online.
Also, the rules for how much privacy one can expect to have on a computer other people use have not yet been worked out. Seeking out someone's hidden paper diary and reading it on the sly is widely considered to be wrong, and so would looking at folders on someone's computer without his/her permission. If someone leaves his/her "secret" email account up on a computer and then invites someone else to use that machine, though, isn't that asking for trouble? It's like leaving a diary out on the living room table, and expecting everyone to leave it alone.
Of course, much depends on how tech-savvy the computer's owner is. If LW's dad likely didn't realize his daughter might see an announcement about a new email from his mistress while she ws using the computer, that's something the LW should take into consideration.
Yes, in the best possible world, no one would snoop on anyone else. We're all entitled to our privacy. Until the rules for online privacy etiquette get worked out, though, this sort of thing is going to keep happening, and saying "No one should look at anything on someone else's computer!" may not be a reasonable expectation. We humans are naturally curious about others' private lives. Desktops are not as private as we often consider them to be.
The LW should also consider how her father would like her to cope with this new knowledge. Is he the type to want a big scene or a private conversation? Has he made it clear how he feels about his wife is no one else's business? Would asking him to come clean with his spouse be seen as a threat, or an incentive to do the right thing?
Balancing out everybody's needs in this situation is an unenviable task. The LW may want to discuss it with a counselor or a clergyperson at a church her parents do not attend. Someone with more experience dealing with this sort of thing could help her figure out if and how to tell, or how to reconcile her beliefs and feelings towards her parents with the need to keep what she knows to herself. Some may prefer to let sleeping dogs lie, but sometimes it's better to provoke the dog and get things out in the open.
LW, I wish you luck.
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Is there anyone on here who has NEVER looked at something not meant for his/her eyes?
[Read the article: Should I confront my father about his affair?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I'm not proud of the times I've done it, but I'll admit to it. Reading stories like this, though, has given me an incentive to resist the temptation. Sometimes finding out something one would rather not know is punishment enough for being nosy (or is it nosey), it seems.
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thoughts for NYCGrrrl
[Read the article: I'm an exhausted caregiver on the point of collapse]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]NYCGrrrl,
Yes, people tend to be more into their own things nowadays. We're supposed to take care of our own problems, or see a counselor to talk about how we feel about them. That could be part of why you're having a hard time finding people to listen to or help you.
I wonder, though, how much you're contributing to this lack of shoulders to lean on. Do you expect to be able to complain about your situation without listening to others' suggestions about how you could make your life easier? I know people who do this, and they're exhausting. Do you think your problems will be solved if you just talk about them enough? If so, it'd be best to figure out how to tackle them. Taking action, or figuring out how to cope if there are no good options for solving the challenges you face, is empowering.
Of course, I can't put myself in your shoes, and I don't know if your friends and family are selfish. If the latter is the case, maybe it's time to find some new friends. Think about the role you play in all this, though. It's the only part of the problem of not having enough support that you control.