Letters to the Editor
Heron23
Published Letters: 55 Editor's Choice: 2
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@lulu1967
[Read the article: We want a kid but don't think it's right to have one]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Thank you for your posts. I, too, wish people demonstrated more kindness online. It seems to me that the people who respond to SYA articles are more thoughtful about what they write than folks are elsewhere on the Internet, though.
I wish you all the best with your decision about having children. I have several health conditions that could be exacerbated by pregnancy, and/or make it more likely that a baby would have health problems. After considering my medical and family history, I've decided not to have kids. This is a valid choice. There are other ways to have a positive impact on the world besides having (or adopting) children.
If you decide to go ahead and have a child, I hope you'll remember that every parent messes up somehow, and forgive yourself for your mistakes and weaknesses. Nobody's perfect.
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Libraries aren't safe havens
[Read the article: The bosses used to monitor us on video from home]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Several people have remarked that the LW should try to find a job in a library. I would caution her against that. I've worked in a bunch of them, and only one was a good place to work. I enjoy visiting libraries as a patron nowadays, but I don't miss the politics and mismanagement I encountered behind the scenes when I worked in them. Some libraries are safe havens for people seeking a quiet place to work, but most are not.
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Practical advice from Cary?
[Read the article: Desperately unhappy in the top Ivy League school]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary: Bravo! I wish someone had told me all of that stuff while I was in school. I pieced it together instead.
LW: If you NEED the sunshine, head on back to CA after you've finished your spring semester. If a New York publishing career is what you crave, though, think hard about putting your short-term comfort ahead of your long-term ambition. The publishing industry is going through hard times, and an East-Coast degree would probably give you an edge--and a chance at a really good internship so you can decide if that's what you really want to do. Here's something else to ponder: Is it any sunnier in NYC? Oh, and do you really need the high-powered publishing career in order to be the kind of writer you aspire to be?
Hold your head up high around the roommates. Yeah, it hurts now, but you'll feel better afterwards if you stay civil and gut it out. Stop apologizing, focus on your studies, and do what you need to do.
Regarding the papers: I'm not sure if your profs are as clearheaded about students going through rough times as mine were (at a small liberal arts college in the Midwest, then a big university in the South), but have you tried laying your cards on the table with the prof whose paper you haven't started? He may work with you to help you write the darn thing, or he may tell you to drop the course, but letting him in on what's happening could take some pressure off of you. If you don't think he'd be understanding, drop the course, and let it go.
Those who don't like letters about existential angst: This is Cary's speciality. If you don't care for it, there are plenty of "practical" advice columnists out there; Amy Dickinson and Carolyn Hax are both good. Go read them instead, instead of posting comments about why you can't believe Cary's doing as he likes, please. If you don't like it, don't read it!
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choosing a therapist
[Read the article: I'm perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I second the notion that you should look for a really good cognitive behavior therapist. I had a similar situation with my parents while I was growing up, and I cried and screamed about them in many counseling sessions with therapists who nodded and said, "Tell me more."
A person trained in CBT can go one step further, though, and say, "Okay, that's how you feel. Now, let me help you figure out how to think about how you feel, instead of letting your feelings rule your thoughts." It's amazing what a difference that can make.
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@Ladyscholar
[Read the article: I'm perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Ladyscholar, you are in no way a freak. We all have our "monsters"--the qualities and behaviors that we are ashamed of or frighten us. It's just that those of us with really unhealthy parents usually don't get to start confronting our own monsters until we've managed to leave home. Getting out of a bad situation physically is only the first step. Leaving it behind intellectually and emotionally takes longer. Lots of people who grew up in dysfunctional families don't start working on that till they have kids of their own.
It's good that you've reduced or cut off your communication with your parents, and found someone with whom you can be in a healthy relationship. The next step is to realize that there are a lot of other emotions bound up with your anger: fear, shame, etc. You may wonder how you'll ever forgive yourself for not realizing you were in an awful family situation for years and years, but remember: Little kids aren't equipped to cope with such things. You socked your feelings away till you were old enough to start dealing with them in a grown-up way.
Good luck doing the work you need to do in order to be healthy. I'm in my early 30s, and I just found a therapist I click with enough that I feel comfortable looking back on my growing-up years without flinching. I have hope that I can move past them and become who I want to be. I bet you can do this, too.