Letters to the Editor
cahcap
Published Letters: 29 Editor's Choice: 5
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it's about you now, not him
[Read the article: After my husband died of cancer I found he'd been cheating]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Dear LW,
I am so sorry to hear of your double loss, each one with its own type of heartbreak. You really have a lot to deal with.
Of everything you face, though, I think that the essential thing to consider is how you position yourself towards yourself, not towards him.
He betrayed your trust in various ways, including by his death, which took him out of reach of your anger, of any thing he might have tried to make things right, of any explanations he could have offered. Your grief is going to be complex and laden with more anger and sadness than it would have been without this cruel discovery. But your future is about you, not him. Do not let his mistakes rob you of this.
So please practice looking at yourself with great tolerance, with sympathy, with care, with true compassion. Distance yourself a bit from the process when you can, and simply shake your head in disbelief that you have to deal with all this, and extend kindness and sympathy to yourself. The biggest danger will be the tendency to veer towards bitterness and self-pity.
So think about who you want to be five years down the road. Certainly, you do not want to a bitter woman, chronically disappointed and heavy with resentment. Think about the woman you want to be in the future, and when you have moments of clarity, connect the dots between who you are now and who you want to be then, so you can bring her into existence.
Really, all of us who are trying to respond have no idea what you are going through. I admire the fact that you are reaching out for help in this way; it indicates that you will find ways to get through this somehow.
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just a bit to add
[Read the article: I secretly hate myself]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]HI, LW,
So many people have written with good responses; I'd like to add a bit more.
Who is the 'you' that you hate? Can you take a bit of time now and then to think about what you define as the current version of "you"?
If you define yourself based on your current actions and thoughts, then you can slowly take control of that, and build yourself into a person you do not hate. One writer suggested
writing a bit about yourself each day. I would add to that, write down one or two things you do each day that you know are good, according to your values, the values you define for yourself as an adult.
If you do kind things, for example, you have evidence that you can be a kind person. If you do generous, or patient, or
thoughtful things, you have proof that you are the person who acts with those attributes.
Take charge, and build yourself, on the basis of thought, reflection and taking power over your mind, into a person you can accept as valuable. This does not imply reaching for perfection, only trying, act by act, to integrate your own values into your daily life in the form of actions.
This will help. If your self-hatred is based on fears that they
were right, this will be an antidote; if it is based on
the fact that you do experience hatred and depression, this
will tip the balance to who you want to become.
It is an extremely profound choice to move out of the position of being a victim, of others and of ourselves. Toss their rule book; write your own and have faith in it.
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yes, AND...
[Read the article: Quote of the day]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I really thank all the letter-writers for reminding me, a 62-yr-old, how much better things are now for women than they used to be.
Of course,I am puzzled by the statistical aspect of the question, such as women's salaries vis-a-vis men's;percentages of women in the upper management echelons; the number of incidents such as talks by the president of no-less-than-Harvard regarding women as inferior; not to mention the statistics on spousal abuse, especially the numbers of women
injuredand kileld after filing court orders to protect themselves.
Oh, I forgot,there is that disparity in who does household tasks when both spouses are fully employed. And there is the analysis of who gives up a career to raise children. Shall I mention the fact of numbers of women vs. men in elected office?
Of course, it should not be reduced to a gender factor vs race factor issue, as it is far more complex. I think Ms Steinem
was trying to point out a few facts for consideration, in a powerful way that bypassed the vitriolic, shallow approach of current commentators (see Ms Dowd) but carried a passionate intelligent conviction.
Did she seem to downplay the suffering of black men? I do belive that though she has focused on women, she has routinely held that if anyone is oppressed, we are all oppressed.
As far as those young women who have not yet experienced gender
discrimination? wow, are you lucky. Perhaps your sisters
have not been so fortunate, and need to have their experience represented.
And about those folks yelling Iron My Shirt? To really understand the differential at play here, please consider this: if they had yelled to Obama, Shine My Shoes or Carry my Trash, would it have gotten more media play? why?
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missing the boat in a major way
[Read the article: Shouldn't my dad be told that he has Alzheimer's?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]So, you guys, neither of whom is actually
on the scene, decide between yourselves
to outweigh the preferences, insight, and concerns of the primary caretaker?
Reality check. Whoareyou trying to make feel better?
the dad, by telling him he is dommed to deteriorate?
or yourself, by puffing up your chest and knowing
you did the right thing?
Could it be that his wife might know him best,
and be making the decision to withhold
telling him because she knows best his
patterns of reacting to things,
and she wants to prolong his functioning well
as best she can?
I sit here shaking my head
at the lack of respect shown for her input.
The primary caregiver holds the deciding vote.
cahcap