HI

I have been seeing people in therapy since 1983, all sorts, all socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, all races and capacities.

I am constanly amazed and humbled by watching how people achieve nobility.

Nobility is such a worthwhile goal, not tied to issues of ego and acclaim. Nobility means honoring commitments in spite of difficulties; transcending pain without being poisoned by it; remaining virtuous while longing for the fruits of non-virtue; caring for the happiness of others in a way which impels action; assiduously avoiding dives into the pity-pot;

and treating yourself (then others) with realistic sight, compassion, acceptance, and strength.

Give up heroism and find nobility. You will be happy.

When long ago, I was training to become a therapist, one gifted teacher suggested three rules for deciding whether or not to tell someone "the truth."

If all three criteria were met, speak; if not, hold your tongue.

1. is it true?

2. is it useful?

3. is it kind?

So, for example, to tell someone they have spinach stuck in their teeth might meet all three criteria; to tell

someone you think their birthmark is ugly meets only one, true;

to tell someone you wish they had more money so they could afford a better opportunities for their children might be ture and kindly intentioned, but is not useful.

Good rules, especially to keep peace in families.

cahcap

For the first time, I really disagree with Cary's advice!

Suggestions:

to request for a reference: "Oh, so sorry; since his dad is my boss and on our Board, this is a conflict of interest for me. I hope you can find other recommendations for him. Good luck!"

to the employee: "Oh, I didn't know you'd listed me as a reference. That would be a conflict of interest for me becasue your dad is my boss. It's best that you ask people before listing them, so things like this do not happen. Best of luck to you."

No turmoil, no risk of job loss, no deceit, no lost sleep.

I agree with the Asberger's syndrome possibility, by the way.

cahcap

Did someone else take over writing Cary's columns without telling us?

How about common sense here, not projected scenarios based on

a glib reading of psychoanalytic possibilities. Come on.

You have mixed feelings about what your sister is doing, and are filled with frustration, concern, helplessness and confusion. Natural in this situation, right? So the goal is to help her any way you can without destroying your own peace of mind and quality of life.

Tell your sister how you feel clearly, based on understanding her needs, not condemning her choices.

Ask her to respect the fact that you cannot hear more about this without getting way too upset. Then break off the conversation if she returns to the subject.

If she insists she needs someone to confide in, adamantly suggest professional help every time she mentions it, right before you change the subject.

Keep it simple. Focus on what is possible with the least

risk of worsening things. Act with kindness and clarity, not judgement. And accept the limitations of what we can/cannot do to influence another person's choices.

cahcap

Dear LW,

There is a rule that is helpful for those with aging parents:

Act in a way that creates good memories for you when that parent has died.

Consider what you could do to make your dad happy, on his terms. If that is sitting with him, peaceful even under a leaky roof, do that. Usually good memories are more likely to flow from reaching an accord rather than fixing a roof.

FOcus on any small ways you can discover to make him happy; make it about him, not you.

Imposing your agenda on him isn't going to create good memories; forgive me for saying so, but a whiff of self-righteousness pervades your letter.

Your dad sounds clinically depressed. He might, or might not, want help. If you make one good effort, make it this: try to get him a good mental health assessement and a plan for whatever treatment might be recommended.

Everything else will flow from that. Either he wants to change or he doesn't; it needs to come from him, not you. If he is open to an evaluation and possible medicine, that would increase the chance that things will improve. If he is not, perhaps the most important task is for you to learn to tolerate him as he is.

Read The Glass Castle, a great true exposition of a successful woman embarassed by her parents.

Work on yourself. Your main job is to show your dad you love him, not to remake him into the dad you want. He has a right to live as he does, as long as he does not pose a danger.

Good luck

cahcap.

Hi

There are a lot of ways to say something without saying anything.

So if you get any whiff that this situation is leading to more poor behavior on the part of your new officemate, take a trusted supervisor aside and pose a theoretical dilemma to her/him:

"What if I know something confidential about someone

in my office showing demonstrably that the person is damaging to the workplace and people in it--what would be the reasonable and ethical course of action for me to take, within ethical guidelines?"

I agree with the advice given to check with a lawyer as well, along with the reminder that if a person presents a danger to self or others, the confidentiality provision is void.

But if you are a therapist, you know this already.

cahcap